Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery - Charles Caleb Cotton

THE BLOG WHERE i'M PRETTY SURE i'VE HEARD THIS JOKE BEFORE...

What is up kids?

i'll tell you what's up, my show VHS Breakdown is FINALLY getting the credit it deserves!  And it's a great feeling too, because out of all of the episodes we've done  nothing was better then my explanation of why William Zabka aka Johnny was NOT the bad guy in "The Karate Kid" as it's EASILY our most watched and popular episode!  In fact, if you haven't seen it or don't remember me breaking down this classic 80's film you should check it out now!
Hilarious and original stuff right?  That's why it was so great to see how "Daniel is the REAL bully in the Karate Kid" trending online, until i realized that the video that everyone was talking about wasn't the one we made and it wasn't our show.  It's some copycat who put out his "own" version of our show which is almost exactly the same as ours minus the funny parts and/or charisma and sexiness of our talented host.  If you don't believe that we were copied just check it out for yourselves because over a million other people have seen it already...
So yeah after watching this i gotta say i'm a little heated.  Mostly because they literally stole EXACTLY what i did and explained it pretty much EXACTLY how i told it, they just didn't do it as funny or as fat as i did.  And now to see EVERYONE on social media blowing up over this "new" idea on why Danny is the bad guy and not Johnny it just sucks because we did it first and we did it better.  But i guess that's just how $hit goes, and i guess there's nothing i can do but bitch and moan and then write about it on my blog.  And on top of all of it i have my period and my cramps hurt so bad!!!
So yeah, if anyone wants to help the REAL originator of this theory out please feel free to share our episode with everyone you know so hopefully maybe someone realizes that this is really my genius that this guy is cashing in on.  Although if anyone says to you that i stole this from "How i Met Your Mother" that is GARBAGE because i've never even seen that show nor would i ever watch a show with a laugh track in this day and age.  Who the hell needs a laugh track when watching a show?  Why do i need to be told when to laugh when watching tv?  If it's funny i'll laugh, i don't need to be told when to do so like a child or moron who seem to be the only people who still like shows with laugh tracks.  
And i guess the easiest way to realize that it really was my idea is the fact that this guy posted his video this weekend and mine was posted back in June of 2013, but the truth is this guy is going to be well known over his video and only the true fans of VHS Breakdown know the real story.  But if this guy comes out with a theory on how Michael J Fox was truly scared about becoming a homosexual in Teen Wolf then i'm really going to beat some ass!
And for the record, i know i must seem like kind of a hypocrite being that i post a million memes on this blog that are not mine and have posted TONS of stuff on this blog that were not original content.  Although at the same time though i've never pretended like these memes on this blog were made up from me, hell i normally just look up "guy who needs to dump after eating White Castle, funny" or whatever into Google and then post the funniest picture that comes up.  

So i think it's obvious i'm just posting memes i see on the interwebs that i found funny that i also think my audience would find funny as well.  However between this guy stealing my idea for my show and The Fat Jew getting destroyed on social media for constantly reposting other people's material without giving credit i guess i should be more open about what is mine and what is not going forward.  So yeah almost no meme is mine ever but all the written jokes are mine, except when i credit the author.  Because just like they say in "Clerks" give credit where credit is due! 

RANDOM NONSENSE

- Now i have a favor to ask, and it's one that if you don't do you'll feel really bad about yourself. And for once it has nothing to do with "LIKING" my Here Comes the Money... Facebook page or going to check out VHSBreakdown.com, for once it's not about that. It's about helping an organization that has served their community for over 30 years with a focus on feeding people & changes lives!
So to help out this amazing organization all you have to do is click HERE, and vote for the second arrow down that says CUMAC in Paterson, NJ.  They do some incredible work there and a vote for them will help try to get them some money that they can use to help people and basically do God's work.  And you don't have to login, give any info, or even fill out your name, all you have to do is CLICK VOTE!  So PLEASE click on this link and vote for Cumac in Paterson, and do so every day until August 28th until they win the contest.  Thank you in advance, it's the easiest thing anyone will ask you to do all day and it will help out a lot of needy people and children!  THANK YOU!!!


- Not that i have ever watched it or have seen every episode this season but the opening credits of "The Bachelor in Paradise" are the worst most obnoxiously horrific opening credits i have ever seen for a show EVER.  And i get that it's trying to be cheesy and silly and "80's" but what it's really doing is putting a pain in my membrane and a hole in my butthole.  And YES it's poor to rhyme hole with butthole but that's just how bad these opening credits are and i don't have the strength or courage to write anything better.  If you have the guts to watch this just check it out below so you know what i'm talking about, and if you don't pull out your eyeballs from your sockets or blow your brains out after watching this then please enjoy the rest of the ha has on today's blog!
Fast Food Tips - So before this new fast food tip let me just ask you one question, do you like blueberries or strawberries?  Why? Because i want to know what kind of pancakes to make you in the morning!  And while yes i posted that because it's a quote from the severely underrated "Night at the Roxbury" which is a movie i love and has an INCREDIBLE soundtrack that my girlfriend surprised me with for my birthday, it is also a great segue into this tip about IHOP which is selling $1 short stacks for today only!
 And it's actually for a good cause too, because from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. on Aug. 25, IHOP will donate 50 cents of every $1 stack of buttermilk pancakes to No Kid Hungry in an effort to reach their goal of providing 2.5 million meals this year.  So spend a few bucks, eat short stacks until your belly and anus explode with syrup and help some hungry kids at the same time! It's win win!  Except for your colon and stomach which will hate you.
Fast Food Tips Dos - So i don't normally give out two fast food tips on my blog, mostly because i love my readers and the last thing i want to do is clog your arteries and lower intestine from the garbage these establishments try to shove down  your throat at a cheap price until your insides turn into liquid $hit.

But then again who cares, because Sonic is selling 50 cent corn dogs this Thursday August 27th!  And you don't need a coupon or an online code, just go to Sonic and tell them you what a long delicious roll of beef covered in batter put into your mouth, and then when you're done tell the manager to take his penis out of your mouth and tell him you'd also like a 50 cent corn dog!  
Someone stealing ideas from my show, 50 cent corn dogs, and helping out starving kids and an inspirational organization get money to help feed those in need, ALL in one blog?!?!  Holy $hitballs did you get your money's worth today!  "But it was free miguel!  Although now that i think about it even though this is a free blog if i'm being honest you still owe me money..."

You got your money son, as soon as you opened this page i straight up told you Here Comes the Money and that's what you received right down your mind and laugh hole!  So thank you for reading my blog, thank you for clicking that link HERE and helping out those that need it and i'll see you all here next Tuesday with an all new blog!  Except hopefully by then everyone will realize that it's really MY theory on The Karate Kid and that I'M the best around!
Cya next Tuesday! @migueljose_85 on Twitter




Tuesday, August 18, 2015

There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her... because the kid can tell. - Amy Schumer


THE BLOG WHERE i'M GETTING OLD AS F*CK



What is up kids!

"Whoo hoo birthday boy!"  Yeah yeah, tomorrow's my birthday.  Although whoever took the under on whether or not i would make it to this age alive go f yourself, you lost!  i don't blame you for taking that bet though, the odds were heavily in your favor.

And yes i plan to go to work tomorrow too.  "Why in hell would you go to work on your birthday???"  i'll tell you why, person who interrupts me even on my birthday blog.  It's because i'm an attention needing whore.  Some people i know see their birthday as a day they don't want to do anything so they always take off of work that day.  Personally, i'd rather just go in late like i will tomorrow.  This way i can sleep late so it's not like i'm waking up early on my birthday, and then i can go in and get all of the attention that i deserve for being the money.  Who's going to give me that attention if i take the day off and sit in my room and whack off and play video games all day?  No one, that's who.  So yeah, i always come in late the day of my birthday so everyone can tell me how much they love me and then i always take the day AFTER my birthday off so i can party all night and recover the next day or three.  And that's how you do it kids.
"Wow, now that you explain it you really are an attention craving ahole!".  No f'n $hit buddy, have you noticed this hilarious blog i put out every week?  So yeah the other 364 days i'm just an attention needing mother f'er, but today it's my birthday and i deserve it so i want all that i can get!

i gots tons of stuff to do today so i'm gonna end this rant early, but if anyone wants to party it up with me i'm having a party at Copia in NYC tonight.  $30 open bar from 9-12, WHOOPS!  Man i wish it was here already...

What is up ADULTS?

i'll tell you what's up, and that's me in gddamn age.  i can't believe i turn 30 tomorrow!  And by 30 i mean i'm really turning 37, which hurts me more to write then it does to even say.  Mostly because if you've noticed i always kinda act shady on my blog when admitting my age, mostly because i don't want people to realize what an old ass f*ck i am.  
So old in fact, that what you just read above was my rant for my first birthday blog ever back on August 19th 2011.  Although that can't be too hard to believe, can it?  Me having an open bar party at Copia in NYC?  Who am i kidding, i'm going to watch the season finale of season 6 of the incredibly disappointing "Sons of Anarchy" on Netflix and eat a pizza and go to bed before 11.  And i go to bed before 11 now because Jon Stewart quit his show and there's no reason to stay up that late anymore.

LATER STEWART!
But yeah before i get to the nonsense, i'd like to leave you with a bit about birthdays from one of my favorite comics growing up, Larry Miller.  Instead of me trying to come up with some new witty take on birthdays i'm gonna be lazy and just post a classic from him.  And normally you could tell me that i'm ghetto for doing this but you need to be nice to me today because for the one millionth time it's my motherf'n birthday tomorrow suckas!!

Larry Miller's take on aging:
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . .You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!



RANDOM NONSENSE

- The biggest problem with dieting is that when you eat perfectly good for 3 days you don't drop like 25 pounds you drop like 2, MAYBE.  And that's not enough for all of the hell we put ourselves through, is it?  i mean that's why we can't diet for too long, we don't lose enough weight and that misery doesn't compare with the absolute JOY one feels when shoving a sausage pizza slice down your fat throat as you wash it down with a Coke and some cheese fries with gravy and some Cheetos (the CRUNCHY ones not the puffy ones!) and then you eat a steak and an Italian sub with extra mayo and finish with rocky road ice cream.  MAYBE if you dropped a ton of weight every single day you dieted you would keep it up and not succumb to the pressure involved with all of the foods i just mentioned,  MAYBE...
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE -  If there's one thing i dig about getting older it's not having to do my laundry at a laundromat anymore.  Isn't that the WORST??? i actually have less respect for people who have never had to do their laundry at a laundromat, because they don't know the struggle the rest of us have had to deal with.  Like for example, the fact that every Laundromat is THE SHADIEST PLACE ON EARTH! 
There are always nothing but the ugliest and creepiest people ever around, you always put your laundry in and then leave and when you come back there are no dryers available.  And you're always pretty sure someone tries on your underwear when you're not around.  And i don't mean after it's been cleaned!

And of course these machines don't take debit cards and you have to go looking for quarters like you're a teenager in the 80's playing video games.  But yeah speaking of the 80's getting old sucks my balleens but never having to go to the laundromat again is the moneyest thing ever!  Although can anyone explain to me why it's spelled laundromat and not "laundrymat?" i just can't figure it out...

"Facebook Etiquette"-
Fast Food Tips -  So if you didn't know already Burger King has brought back their "infamous" chicken fries, although i'm guessing you do know because sales haven't been this good for BK since forever now that they've brought them back.  

So if you like that nonsense i'm assuming you're gonna super like their new "fiery" chicken fries which are a spicy and fun way to put more anguish on your old balloon knot.  A little more more flame in your heiney.  A little punishment in your butt cheeks.  A little more hurtin on your squirtin.  Okay that's enough.  But yeah i haven't tried them yet because like i said before i'm dieting and not eating fast food so i'll probably eat them this weekend and get back to you next blog on how they were later.  
And that it for my youth kids!  It's kinda crazy to think of the changes that are going to come up this next year of my life, but that's what it's really all about, isn't it?  Nothing constant in this life but change, which someone pretty famous or important once said but i remember it most from the pothead kid on the hookah episode of  "Bar Rescue" who said it after getting yelled at by Jon Taffer.  And speaking of Taffer it's time to Shut this Blog down!  So i'll cya next Tuesday with an all new blog when i'm year older but not wiser!  And oh yeah, it's my birthday so for my birthday present share this with everyone you know!
Cya Tuesday, @migueljose_85




Tuesday, August 11, 2015

You see i'm somewhere in between my love and my agony. You see i'm somewhere in between, my life is falling to pieces... somebody put me together. - Faith No More "Falling to Pieces"

THE BLOG THAT IT'S SO COOL SO HIP IT'S ALRIGHT IT'S SO GROOVY IT'S OUT OF SIGHT!

What is up kids?

Do you know what i love?  Puppy dogs and rainbows!  i just think they're so cute and furry and beautiful and it makes me so happy i cry tears of joy and happiness out of my earballs!  Isn't love and goodness just so great and grand?  i'm so filled with rays of sunshine all i can sing is happy happy joy joy!
"Ugh, AGAIN with the sappy garbage on your rants?  Let me guess, you love your girl and your parents and your friends and you need to tell us AGAIN how amazingly awesome your life is.  Whatever happened to the miguel jose who did power hours and played beer pong on Tuesday nights until he ordered late night White Castle and ended up puking sliders and Natty light out of every orifice in his body before collapsing on all fours in the shower pushing puke chunks through the drain before somehow making it to work the next day and doing it all over again?  Is he straight up dead??"
No, he's not dead.  In fact you'll be happy to know he's alive and well, and coming off a fine performance at a Faith No More concert at the Theater in MSG where i pregamed HEAVILY drinking $5 cans of Natty light at a bar across the street along with several shots of Jim Beam Fireball .  Which definitely isn't as good as regular Fireball but still pretty delicious.  And that's before stumbling into the show and taking turns peeing inside the building in a corner in front of everyone because who has the time or energy to walk to an actual bathroom like a human being?  As we boozed and partied all night before finally going home but not before i stopped at Wendys for a chicken sandwich and a JBC that i ate on the way home and then walked to the dumpster outside my place and threw up everything i just ate into the same bag that the Wendy's came in and i left it neatly in the garbage before getting to my home and passing out only to throw up again the following morning in my toilet bowl.  "But miguel jose, what's a JBC?"  C'mon son, it's a junior bacon cheeseburger.  Grow up.  
Haha just kidding, not all of that story was true.  i actually ate more then that, i also got a 5 piece nuggets with bbq sauce that i ate as well.  i don't want to leave that part of the story out only for the truth the come out later!
But yeah i've been writing a lot about all of the "grown up" things that i've been having/doing and i've realized that i've made some of you (Rob) sick.  So enjoy this disgusting nonsensical rant my brother, it's almost as immature and horrible as the New York Rangers playoff run!



RANDOM NONSENSE


- If you're a republican, it's gotta be a little bit ridiculous to you that Trump is heavily leading your polls as your republican nominee, right?  Like horrifically embarrassing?  Like being a Jets fan embarrassing?  Because for real, he hates minorities, immigrants, women, and poor people.  So yes if you're a white male we all understand why you love him...
But you repubs should be a little more pissed off that he's the person representing the best of what your party has to offer, especially when literally ANYONE is probably better.  Well except Jeb Bush, who constantly reminds us of his last name by the dumb way he acts.  Or Marco Rubio who is a joke, or Ted Cruz who's like a lame impersonation of Donald Trump.  Or Scott Walker who has the personality of the dingle berries left on my ass after that terrible night of eating Wendys puking and $hiting that i was just talking about earlier.  Or Chris Christie who hates teachers and eating healthy and is so hated by his own state i can't imagine whY that fat bag of bullying douche thinks he can be in charge of them all.  And he's fat.  But yeah i guess now that i say all of their names i can see how Donald Trump is leading your polls, you guys don't have one decent candidate.  Definitely no one like Bernie Sanders!
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - So if i did become rich, like Mega Millions rich or hopefully "blog" rich someday, i've pretty much decided i will only have "white' maids.  Is that racist?  i just really like the idea of white people cleaning up all my $hit and mowing my lawn and making me food and stuff.  And the funny things is, i don't even think they'd be that great.  Like i actually think it would make more sense to have minorities as my maids because they would do a better job and take more pride in their work.  i feel like white people half ass everything and my house wouldn't be as clean and my yard wouldn't look as nice and my food wouldn't taste as good if i had all white maids, but i still don't care because that's all i want and that's all i would hire.  Alright fine, i'll admit somewhere in there it got pretty racist but at least i'm being honest!  Get to work you crackers!
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - So i always forget to pull my zipper up on my pants in the morning.  i have no idea why, i always remember to wake up, eat breakfast, shave, and even shower. "Shower? Yeah right you dirty Mexi..." relax with that one, that's too easy and you're better then that.  But yeah i can remember brushing my teeth, putting gel in my hair, ironing my clothes and by ironing i mean throw in the dryer while i'm in the shower to get out those wrinkles.  i put my belt on, tie my shoes, grab my jacket and lunch and out to work i go!  But i go with my zipper down and my big beefy burrito bulge busting through my pants.

And it's usually not until i'm at work for an hour talking to that Puerto Rican janitor in the men's room or something that i realize this, and everyday i have to do that awkward turn away and pull up motion that has to be obvious to everyone else.  But yeah if you ever want to take a sneak peek at my package just get me at work from 8-9 am because he'll be waiting, and i'll be embarrassed but too lazy to learn to stop!

A Great Name for a Punk Band!  "The Yarn Spinners" 

- If you watch Fox News and/or have a racist uncle then you've probably heard about the "War on Christians."  Which is an f'n ridiculous idea because there are more Christians in this country then anyone and if we did have an "official" religion for this country it would be obviously Christian despite the fact fact that there is supposed to be separation between church and state.

ANYWAY, in this huge battle for this country's soul there will always be intense warriors fighting for what they believe in, and the people in this week's The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  are no different.  They are true believers, they are fighters for the cause, and most importantly they are crusaders.  Christian Crusaders!  Which is why today i'm happy to show to all of you, Christian Crusaders with former Oakland Raiders coach Al Davis!
And that's it for me today kids!  Nothing too crazy but i feel like i'm getting a little more back to form.  And i'd better do it quick because my birthday is next week!  So enjoy the last week of my 20's everyone, and i'll see you next Tuesday the day before i get another year older and closer to death!  And even worse, the end of this blog!!!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter



Tuesday, August 4, 2015

There goes my hero, watch him as he goes. There goes my hero, he's ordinary. - Foo Fighters "My Hero"

THE BLOG WHERE i AM TOO FAST AND TOO FURIOUS!!!

What is up kids?

So if you're wondering about the update to the car that i was looking to get last blog, and let's be honest we all know that you're NOT.  i'm fired up to say that i finally got my new whip! A 2015 Kia Optima that came in smokey blue!  And no it's not "smokey" just because of certain "habits" that i have, that's the actual color!

And as happy as i am to have a new car and be over this entire aggravating debacle, the reason i am so happy is because of the people who helped me get it.  One being my girlfriend, who was nice enough to lend me her car the two weeks i was without one.  Which considering she's a teacher and she's on vacation and had to be stuck at home on these scorching hot summer days that she has off basically makes her a SAINT and i can't thank her or love her enough!
But i also have to thank my father, who came in and helped sign for my loan as well as threw down some duckets for the down payment.  And he did so not just because i'm not a real man i and can't do these things on my own just yet.   He did so because if there is one perfect example of what a real man is that is on this planet it's my father.  Who not only is a Marine who served his country, but he's a man who worked a 9-5 job in the city for over 30 years, taking the bus to and from work from Jersey every single day while still finding time to raise 5 kids AND to go to all of our games and be our coach and make it to every concert and/or play that we had.  Which is f*cking CRAZY because if i go to the grocery store and/or do a load of laundry i feel like i had a full weekend and need to call out sick from work that following Monday
But despite the fact that i was an absolute NIGHTMARE as a teenager who was never appreciative of anything that my parents did for me they still loved me and did their best to raise me, even though if i'm being honest i didn't deserve it.  i mean i guess i wasn't the worst kid in the world, and for the most part i didn't do anything too too terrible.  But not once while growing up did i realize all of the things that my parents did for me, and when i look back at the kind of child i was it definitely makes me feel bad that i was such an obnoxious condescending know it all piece of $hit.  And yeah, i know most of us are like that when we're kids.  But that doesn't make me feel any better about it, although it does make me appreciate how much they were there for me that much more.

And my father is definitely a stubborn man, he never cared about any of the movies or music that i was into.  Mostly because to him obviously nothing will ever top anything that came out in the 1950's.  Although i can still remember being 8 years old and telling him that CC Deville from Poison was the GREATEST guitarist of all time, and that i didn't care who that Eric Clapton guy was!
But despite our obvious age and taste differences he still loved and took care of me, and even now that i'm almost 67 years old myself he is still there for me every single day.  And not only that, he dropped everything to make sure i was taken care of and was able to get the vehicle that i wanted even though i probably don't even deserve it.  And when i was younger i would have just taken that for granted and just expected him to do this kind of thing, but now that i'm almost kind of an adult i can truly see all that he's done and continues to do for me.  And between his and my mom's love as well as what i get from my girlfriend, i truly consider myself one of the luckiest guys on the planet.  As well as the moneyest!
And yeah i know my last two blogs have been sappy as hell, and i'm sure those of you who have come to expect nothing but immature toilet humor and/or jokes and pictures about Kate Upton's bouncing boobs don't even know what they're reading anymore.  And i'm not saying i'm not gonna get back to my roots of immaturity eventually, it's just that i am super appreciative of the love and support that i have all around me in my life and if that's where i'm at right now then that's what you kids are going to get to read about in my rants.  But don't worry, i'll be back to being an immature classless jerk off soon, i promise!

RANDOM NONSENSE

 - So i don't normally get that hurt up when celebrities die, mostly because i don't know them and it seems silly to be that attached to people you don't know in real life.  i mean yeah it's sad to hear and i always do truly feel bad when someone loses their life.  But for real, the passing of Roddy Piper really did me up last week, and i gotta say it sucks big fat balleens that he's gone
And sure, maybe it's because he's one of the greatest wrestling bad guys of all time, and maybe the fact that he's the only wrestler alive to say that he OWNS Hulk Hogan in their rivalry has something to do with it.  Or maybe it's because he starred in one of my favorite episodes of VHS Breakdown, as well as quite possibly the greatest independent movie of all time "They Live" is what has me down.  Either way, it is in his honor that i'm posting this must watch episode of our show, and Hot Rod i hope you know that this planet will never be as interesting as it was with you on it

- Speaking of "Rowdy," did you know that Ronda Rousey asked Piper if she could use the nickname "Rowdy" and Roddy was of course the money so he said yes and that's why she's called "Rowdy" Ronda Rousey?  Well you do now!  And speaking of Ronda, can she just start fighting dudes already?  Like for real, we get it.  You straight up own women and make them your bitches, you're like Leo Dicaprio right after Titanic came out.  Do i really need to stay up and watch 17 fights till 2 a.m. in the morning just to see you smack these ladies down in less then 40 seconds?  It's as boring to wait for and watch it as it is impressive for you to do it, so either get some real competition or just fight some guys for crying out loud
- If you work in an office and there's an office fridge then i'm guessing you probably know about the guy who brings their food in a cooler and then puts THE ENTIRE THING in the fridge as well.  Which is great, because a fridge keeps food cold and a cooler keeps food cold and you're the only person in the ENTIRE building that uses the fridge so everything works out perfectly, right?  Except for the fact that ALL of us use the same f*cking fridge, and none of us can put our lunches in there because your stupid f*cking cooler is taking up all of the gddamn room you unaware bag of douche.  So either keep your food in a cooler or the fridge but not both.  And for real, i can't fathom how i actually have to have this conversation.  But it's something that has happened at every single job i've been at so i'm guessing some of you have the same feeling.
A Great Name for a Punk Band!  "The Sass Mouths" 

That one is f'n great, can't believe it took me so long to come up with it.

Fast Food Tips -  So i've finally been on a diet again lately and if i'm being honest this next fast food tip is the reason why.  And no, it's not because of the 2 for $5 menu i hit up at Burger King the other day.  And yes part of the reason i went was because i forgot to take lunch to work, and another part of it is because for only $5 i got a BK King and original chicken sandwich and when you're poor you just can't beat that deal.  And yet another part of it is the fact that i'm big gigantic whale that will shove whatever disgusting fake fast food meat down my disgusting throat and into my hugemonogous pregnant man belly.
But this tip isn't about any of that nonsense, it's about the new item BK is selling which is their Doritos Loaded Cheese squares that some of you may remember 7/11 had awhile back.  They were these triangular-shaped snack bites with a warm, melted cheese filling and a crispy breading with Doritos Nacho Cheese flavoring, and apparently this terrible idea was one that needed to be brought back.  And when i saw it on the menu my first thought was "who in their right mind would order that let alone eat it?"  And then of course my next thoughts were "do i have enough to buy this too? i do? One loaded Doritos nonsense please!"  And i have to say for fake cheese it was pretty gddamn good, but what wasn't fake was the pain and shame i felt in the bathroom afterwards.  But yeah i'm not here to judge you, if you want them then have at it hoss.
And that's it for me today kids!  Don't forget, an all new blog will be out next Tuesday but more importantly then that my birthday is coming up!  And i think i'm ready to turn 30 but the closer it gets the more nervous i am...
But yeah have a great week everyone, tell your friends about my blog for crying out loud and i'll see you in a week!


Monday, July 27, 2015

i live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters: not the mortgage, not the store, not my team and all their bull$hit. For those ten seconds or less, i'm free. - Vin Diesel - "The Fast and the Furious"

THE BLOG WHERE i AM NEITHER FAST NOR FURIOUS

What is up kids?

So it's time for me to get a new car, and i have to say this process is easily one of my least favorite times to go through in life.  i rank it right before getting dumped the night of my fraternity formal by my college girlfriend, and speaking of dumping i also put it right after that time i ate a Spicy Crunchwrap Supreme, two beef and bean burritos and cheesy fiesta potatoes from Taco Bell AND got an Extra large coffee from Dunkin Donuts to keep me awake on my solo ride home from down the shore and got stuck in bumper to bumper traffic.  You know, that time i had that "accident" that didn't involve my car but did in fact leave skid marks on the Hershey highway...

But for real, this entire car buying process is the gddamn WORST and i can't wait until it's over.  The whole thing is nothing but dealing with shady ass car salesmen and finding out that my credit is lower then a little person in a limbo contest as you learn about carfaxes and what certified pre-owned vehicles actually mean, and work so hard just to find out what obnoxiously high car and insurance payments you'll be making until the grand kids you don't even have yet are all grown up and graduating college and getting their own first car.
And the thing is i know that most people don't like this process either, and most people think they hate it.  But i like really, REALLY hate it, like with every fiber and inch of my soul.  "Wow, every inch?  You're a large man, that must be a TON of hate!  Literally!"  See what i mean?  i hate buying a car even more then these fat jokes that actually hurt my feelings.

But i will say even though i'd rather get all 4 wisdom teeth pulled on the same day then have to buy a new car, at least i have my girl to help me figure all of this nonsense out.  For real, i'd be WAY behind on this process if it wasn't for her, and by behind on this process i mean i'd still be stranded on the highway where my car broke down a week ago crying like a little girl with a skinned knee.  "OMG miguel you can't make fun of girls like that anymore!  You're being sexist and it's offensive!"  Sorry, i meant crying like a little bitch with a skinned knee.
And yeah i am in a relationship with the girl that i love, and yes she's going to be the one i marry once i'm smart enough to lock her up with a ring.  And yeah i never talk about it on this blog, mostly because i do remember being a lonely single basterd and it always made me mad when people who are in relationships have to brag about it all the time in public.  Because when you're alone and miserable there is nothing worse then people who are actually in love.

And personally i have always felt that the people who take the most pictures of themselves having fun and talk nonstop about how happy they are in the relationships are the ones that are just doing it to show off to other people when their actual relationship couldn't be further from the truth...
But i don't do any of that nonsense especially  here on my blog because i am in a happy and money relationship.  And the only reason i don't talk about it here is because i'm not that guy.  Or i am that guy, i'm just not that kind of blog writer or even comedian.  But with her help i'll get this stupid new car and get past this process that i hate so much, and i'll do it because with her i feel money and i know that i can take on the world.  She's my best friend and i spend all day at work counting down the seconds until i see her, and i can honestly say that i've never been happier or more in love in my life.  

See?  This is the kind of writing you get when i'm all happy and in love and gay.  So let's get to the nonsense already before i make you all throw up!


RANDOM NONSENSE

- So apparently being a racist ignorant bankrupting businesses ahole who makes fun of military war heroes and has zero political experience isn't enough to stop Donald Trump from leading the Republican nominees in the polls, and i personally couldn't be happier.  If there is anything that shows what out of touch dinosaurs the conservative tea bagging Republicans are it's the fact there leading nominee looks like a female f*ck doll.

But it doesn't matter, because no matter what he does he can't hurt himself in the polls.  Even after he picked his newest running mate to be his Vice President, one that i can honestly say is truly a real American!
- Last week had National Hot Dog Day and it was also National Tequila Day on Friday as well.  And while you know after last blog how i feel about these so called "National" holidays, it is with tequila in mind that i'm happy to celebrate the 30th anniversary of my favorite Tim Burton film, "Pee Wee's Big Adventure!"  And it also happens to be one of our best episodes of VHS Breakdown, so either watch it here or go check us out at VHSBreakdown.com where you can watch them all!
"Facebook Etiquette"-

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - Why on God's green Earth do people who walk onto a bus or a train always have to come in and sit RIGHT next to you?!?  It doesn't matter if it's the only seat left, or if every seat is empty and you're the only person on the bus, people always have to come by and sit RIGHT next to you.  And i say "people", when i really mean weirdos and creepos. Creepos who smell HORRIBLE!  And who are always fat! And they are usually coughing or doing something else horrific.  Why do these f'n people come sit next to me?!?!  What vibe could i possibly be giving that makes you think i want your disgusting sweaty ass next to me???  Well i apologize for the confusion, but please get the F away from me you repulsive monster. i'd honestly rather this was the bus from "Speed," but instead of making that big jump over the broken bridge i hope we all die in a horrible crash which would be better then spending another second next to you.
Fast Food Tips -  So Lays is doing their new potato chip flavor contest for 2015 and unlike last year they all sound delicious!  This year they have Crunchy Frog and Blue Cheese, 7th Grade Locker Room, and Placenta, which is Kettle Cooked!
Actually those were last years flavors and i got that pic from Eonline i think.  This year it's actually West Coast Truffle Fries, New York Reuben, Southern Biscuits and Gravy and Kettle Cooked Greektown Gyro.   And if your penis just went "boooWHIP!" and your vagina just went "Splish Splash!" then you are correct because these chips are the MONEY!  Or at least the Southern Biscuits and Gyro ones are, because i tried them both and i needed to change my undershorts.  But if the other two are even close to as good i'm going to have to change my pants as well!

And that's it for me today kids!  Wish me luck with this car buying nonsense and while you're at it share my blog with loved ones and friends who like funny stuff because it makes me happy.  

But i hope you have a great week, remember to change your oil, good luck in this heat and i'll cya here next Tuesday in August!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

And go "LIKE" my Here Comes the Money... Facebook Page!