Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Society, you're a crazy breed. Hope you're not lonely, without me... - Eddie Vedder "Society"


What is up kids?

So it's my last blog of the year, but more importantly then that this is my LAST blog that i'm writing as a single man!  That's right kids, this Friday i'm getting married to my best friend and the love of my life!  "Well there's only one question we have miguel, WHAT'S HIS NAME?!?!"

Well played jerks!  That "What's his name?" bit has easily been one of my favorites this year, so it only makes sense that you would drop it on me now.  And anyways, his name is Jason and he's a construction worker who has rough yet tender hands that are both surprisingly gentle and firm especially when he caresses my supple... NO!  Now is not the time for these kinds of jokes!  i'm about to be a married man, i need to be better then that!  It's time to finally grow up!
Although before i do, i need to tell you about my bachelor party that i had this past Sunday.  Well, not so much my bachelor party as i need to talk about that night and more importantly the morning after.  Because if you could recall i spent the first few years of my blog writing about nothing but drinking brews and doing shotguns and playing beer pong and then eating Turvinos bacon sicillian pizza and White Castle sliders until i went outside to throw up at "Puke Park" (trademark by Wecht) only to be followed up by more throwing up in the toilet until i was finally on all fours in the bathtub throwing up yet AGAIN as i tried to push White Castle chunks and my own shame and embarrassment down the drain.
And i'd like to tell you that now that i'm about to be married that i've put those days behind me and that i've truly grown up as both a man and as an individual.  i'd like to tell all of you that.  But the truth is everything i just listed is EXACTLY what happened to me, and it wasn't until 3 pm yesterday that i was able to have a functional thought or keep a solid in my tummy and not in the porcelain God i had been praying to for two days straight.  And the truth is i can still drink and party as hard as i've always been able to do, but the pain and anguish i feel the next day/s has gotten EXPONENTIALLY worse.  In fact, i guarantee if any of you had the type of hangovers that i do that NONE of you would ever drink again!  Mostly because you are smart and don't want to put your body through that type of punishment.
But honestly it only makes sense that my last blog before i get hitched involves puke and burgers and brews, because starting next year i'm only writing about the sanctity of marriage!  Well that and doing laundry and raising a family and going on couples dates where we get a sitter and enjoy a nice quiet dinner where we drink regularly out of adult glasses and not doing shots of beer a minute for an entire hour and we'll play Pictionary instead of beer pong and have all of you noticed that going to bed before midnight is super fun, and let's all try to wake up early and not waste this beautiful day and let's get to Home Depot this Saturday but maybe not Bed Bath and Beyond because i don't know if we'll have time!
Or maybe not, and maybe i'll be the same immature hilarious a hole that you've all come to love and/or hate.  Because lucky for you guys this is my comedy blog, not my f*cking diary.  And as much as i try to incorporate my personal life to either make this blog funnier and/or more personal the truth is i don't feel it necessary to tell you all the truth.  i only find it necessary to make you all laugh, which is why when it comes to this blog i feel like i have the right to write WHATEVER the f*ck i want! 
But it's been a fun and crazy year kids, quite possibly the craziest in my life.  And while i'm going to be taking a break from the blog for awhile i plan to come back bigger and badder then ever in early 2016!  "By "bigger and badder" do you really mean you'll be fatter and even less funny?  Because i honestly don't know if that's possible..." 

Wow, you're really killing me today.  i'm guessing it's because you're both sad angry that i'm leaving you for so long.  But fear not you irritable basterd!  i'll be back sooner then you know, and with an all new look to this blog along with some brand new bits as well.  But until then enjoy some of my favorite Random Nonsense bits of 2015!


- So is there really something called "Gay Vampires" that only drink only boner blood or am i just making that up?  
Haha that was one of the very first bits i posted in 2015, i'm glad i set the bar for this year's comedy early!

 - So i used to wet the bed when i was younger.  And by younger i mean my late 20's.  NO!  i mean when i was a little kid, although not too little because i think i was still doing it regularly in 1st and 2nd grade.  And i remember waking up and being so embarrassed that i wouldn't tell my mom, and then i would walk to school and go through class all day smelling like pee.  And for the most part people never said anything, although sometimes i remember being in class especially gym and someone saying "man it smells like pee in here!"  and thinking i hope no one realizes it's me as i got super ashamed.

Even worse, i remember going on vacation and staying at some place and my mom getting me a diaper because she didn't want me to pee the bed where we were since we didn't have a washing machine around to wash and change the sheets if i did.  And i don't remember when this problem stopped for me, nor when i completely blacked this little nugget of my past from my memory.  Because it wasn't until recently that something reminded me about it, and then i remembered what a little pee body i was and figured i'd admit it on my blog because oh well what are you gonna do?  But like Sara Silverman says, when you're a bedwetter there are only one group of people that you can look down on, and that's bed $hitters!
- Can we as a nation just decide as one to put radios into every public (and work) bathroom in America?  And not fancy expensive bluetooth radios that play Satellite radio and Pandora and Spotify, i'm not talking about high quality electronics here.  i'm just saying we should take money out of the Federal and/or State budgets and put a cheap ass a.m. radio in every single bathroom in the country, this way we can listen to ANYTHING else besides the sounds of $hit and piss and farts coming out of people's buttholes and/or penises/vaginas.  

i mean for real, it's bad enough that i'm in a stall and the socially awkward fool that walks in thinks it's okay to sit next to me and have a Katrina like disaster go on as the levies break and excrement pours through his own personal flood gates.  At least with the radio on we could pretend to listen to something else besides the kids being dropped off at the pool.  Although if you listen to Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity or that turd Mark Levine on the radio you're probably better off listening to people just $hit their brains out because it's basically the same thing.  But for the rest of us just play anything else on the radio!
- Speaking of deucing uncontrollably and washing pee stained bed sheets, can someone tell me what is the point of the "small load" setting on a washing machine?  i'm either not doing laundry or i'm washing EVERYTHING that i own!

- The biggest problem with dieting is that when you eat perfectly good for 3 or so days you don't automatically drop like 25 pounds and instead you drop like 2, MAYBE.  And that's not enough for all of the hell we put ourselves through, is it?  i mean that's why we can't diet for too long, we don't lose enough weight and that misery doesn't compare with the absolute JOY one feels when shoving a sausage pizza slice down your fat throat as you wash it down with a Coke and some cheese fries with gravy and some Cheetos (the CRUNCHY ones not the puffy ones!) and then you eat a steak and an Italian sub with extra mayo and finish with rocky road ice cream.  MAYBE if you dropped a ton of weight every single day you dieted you would keep it up and not succumb to the pressure involved with all of the foods i just mentioned,  but until then i'm just going to eat everything i want and then complain about how there's no diets that work.
The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME! "Um, what the hell are "album covers you old basterd?"  Is this 1970?  Forget albums grandpa, i illegally download everything!  Jeez, will you get off of my case already?  It's a brand new year, give me a hot second before you start busting my balleens so badly.  And will you at least look at the album cover i'm showing you before you condemn this bit?  It's the self titled album from the amazing "Joyce" who i personally consider the original Beyonce.  Judge for yourself! 
And that's it for me THIS YEAR kids!  And honestly, is there a better way to end 2015 then the way i started it which is by starting at Joyce's precious face?  Yeah, i don't think so either.  But either way i hope you all have the best holiday break, and i'll be back eventually in 2016!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

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Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Love to eat turkey, cause it's good. Love to eat turkey like a good boy should. Cause it's turkey, to eat, so good! - Adam Sandler "The Thanksgiving Song"


What is up kids?

i'll tell you what's up, i'm only writing ONE more blog in 2015!  Holy $hitballs kids, by the time you're done stuffing every orifice in your body with stuffing and recovering at the hospital from the brutal wounds you got waiting in line for Toys R Us Black Friday sale the next thing you know you won't be hearing from me again until Baby New Year's tiny baby balls drop and it's 2016!  Can this life move any faster, like Brian Regan says i submit that it cannot!
But we're not quite there yet, mostly because we have the best holiday of the year coming up this Thursday with Thanksgiving!  And for real, what is a better holiday then Thanksgiving?  No presents to buy for anyone, all of the best food, and nonstop football on television all day.  It's the best holiday ever!  Unless you have a f*cked up family of course, because if that's the case i can totally understand you not digging Thanksgiving.  Depending on how well you get along with your family members it can go from awful to just straight up awkward...
But not for me, because my family is the MONEY!  And there is nothing better then getting to spend time with the people i love the most, especially while eating a ton of delicious food and watching football all day in a turkey and biscuit induced coma.  And T-Giving is also the best because not all of my family live by each other and we don't get to spend as much time together as we would like.  i mean don't forget, i'm Mexican and have 16 brothers and 11 sisters!  Alright fine i don't have that many.  But two brothers and two sisters is PLENTY, and then the next thing you know you end up with a middle child who is CONSTANTLY screaming for attention and even ends up having to write his own comedy blog once a week which is nothing more then a personal diary in hopes of getting as many people as possible to pay attention to his feelings or he'll want to die miserable and alone!
But Thanksgiving is all about family, food and football, or the "real" holy trinity if you will.  And it's also for being thankful for what we have, because let's be honest kids we all have a LOT to be thankful for.  i mean yeah there is terrorism and racism rampant everywhere, and many times it seems like there is more evil then beauty in the world.  But the truth is that if you are reading this blog you probably live a pretty comfortable life, and by comfortable i mean you probably live better then over half of the world's population.  i mean the biggest problems most of us have is what to bring to Thanksgiving dinner, or how early should i start my Christmas shopping and what show on Netflix should i start to binge watch next? 
And for real, we are SOOOOOO lucky to have those kinds of problems.  And i know we should be thankful every second of our lives that these questions are the extent of our misery, but if we're not at least we have Thanksgiving to hopefully try and keep things in perspective.  And trust me, i know how stressful and horrible it is to live paycheck to paycheck.  And i know the feeling of this amounting debt that i'll never get out of, and of course i have extra pounds that i would like to lose to be healthier and sexier.  And instead of doing that this Thursday i'll end up doing the exact OPPOSITE and eat until my colon and lower intestines are filled with gravy and cheese.

But we're EXTREMELY lucky to have the lives we have, like winning the lottery lucky.  And instead of being miserable about the things that you don't have please try and appreciate and realize how many people have it WAY worse.  And if you do, hopefully you'll understand just how lucky we are to enjoy these holidays.  As well as how lucky you all are to have me to let you know about this fact in my comedy blog!  Hooray for me!  Mi-guel!


- So apparently Donald Trump is okay with starting a database to register all Muslims in this country, and predictably after making that remark his polling numbers have risen with the KKK.  Wait, i'm sorry.  i meant his polling numbers have risen with the Republican party.  Although now that i think about it i'm guessing my comment about the KKK is also accurate.  Anyways, here's my question.  For all of the people who want the Muslim community to come out and denounce those that are committing HORRIFIC acts in the name of Islam, is there a reason you don't also expect Republicans to call out their racist and ignorant candidates who straight up want to treat Muslim refugees like they were Jews during the holocaust? 

i mean i realize that many of you get angry that the majority of the Muslim community that is peaceful doesn't constantly call out their more extreme members.  Yet you also seem fine with bags of douche like Chris Christie saying he wouldn't accept Syrian refugees under 5 years old who are seeking help, and you also seem okay with Trump wanting all Muslims to register in a database as well as carry some sort of ID stating their religion so we can keep an eye on them.  So if you're going to sit back and say NOTHING as your racist leaders promote very Nazi-esque ideas then maybe you should look in the mirror to see what a true racist hypocrite looks like. 
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - Is there any food better at Thanksgiving dinner then stuffing?  For real, i don't care if it's stove top or your mothers secret recipe, stuffing is the shiznittle bam, snip snap sack!  And oh yeah whoever gets that reference is the money (yeah i know you know it jj).  But that's literally all i can think about when i think about this holiday, and it's nice to know it's only two more days till i can have it!

And what a great name for a food, "stuffing".  They didn't even bother trying to describe what the actual food is, they must have started eating it and said "holy $hitballs this food is good!  i can't stop stuffing my gddamn f*cking face with this deliciousness!  What should we call this motherf*cking fantastic food?"  "i say we call this $hit "stuffing" because who cares what it is, we can't stop stuffing our fat f*cking faces with this orgasmic f*cking amazingness!  So "stuffing" it is!"   I'm pretty sure that's exactly how that conversation went down at the first Thanksgiving, and it's funny to think that that is LITERALLY how the name "stuffing" entered our vocabulary. And people think history is boring...

Fast food tips: Thanksgiving Edition! Speaking of stuffing... i know what you're all thinking right now .  "Fast Food Tips??  On Thanksgiving?  C'mon guy, who eats fast food on Thanksgiving??"  Um, only the classiest and smartest motherf'ers around kids!  Because what is the one thing that you feel is missing at every Thanksgiving dinner?  i'll give you a hint... it's White Castle!  But what if i told you there was a way you could combine White Castle with the best holiday of the year?  "Holy S miguel i'd crap my pants in glee!"  Well you're in luck my friends, because straight from White Castle's website i give you the recipe for "White Castle Turkey Stuffing!"

So to all of you who have thought, "i enjoy Thanksgiving and i love taking a big steamy dump after all is said and done, but i kinda wish i could take bigger and longer deuces to make the holiday last even longer"  To those of you who thought that enjoy your White Castle stuffing and thank me later!  And oh yeah those of you who thought that... MAN do you have problems!  But you have come to the right blog.   And the best thing about this stuffing is that it's good for the kids as well!

And that's it for me today kids!  Does it feel like i drop that White Castle slider bit every Thanksgiving blog?  It should, because i do it every time.  And if i got just one single reader to start this as a tradition then i've done my job!  And by job i mean i've helped make you ruin both your health and your life with delicious yet poor decisions. 

But have a great week, and i'll see you kids next week for the last blog of the year!  As well as my last blog as a single man!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone from my family to yours!
And see you next Tuesday for the LAST blog of the year!

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Today me will live in the moment. Unless it is unpleasant, in which case me will eat a cookie. - Cookie Monster


What is up kids?

So there are definitely times when i find it hard to write a comedy blog, and after what happened in Paris last weekend this is most certainly one of those times.  Because what happened in Paris was an absolute tragedy, and to think of all of the innocent people who lost their lives and then trying to write a blog about binge drinking and "Things guys never want to hear at a urinal" and Fast Food Tips seems a little rough...


But the truth is that when times are the roughest and/or darkest those are the times when we need comedy the most, because unfortunately no matter what we do to protect ourselves some really f*cked up $hit is going to happen sometimes.   i mean there are over 7 billion people on this planet and many of them believe in an invisible God that no one has ever seen, and some of those invisible Gods think it's okay to kill other people, or at least that's the way the psychos understand it. 

And ISIS is obviously a bunch of brain dead hate filled murderers who all deserve to be put to death by the anal rape of an angry overweight large gay man with a 12 inch cock and an unlimited supply of Viagra.  And they're also cowards, because attacking innocent people in public places is easily the biggest pu$$y move you can pull.  Well that and being a so called "great" rapper who finds the need to make fun of female pop music stars because it gives you more street cred i guess?
And i obviously get the feeling and the need for revenge, but the idea that we can just send a bunch of troops and drop a bunch of bombs to fix the problem isn't the correct one.  Because first of all we've been doing that plenty already, as the United States alone has had SEVERAL bomb strikes against these soulless f*ckers and it doesn't seem like we plan to stop these bombings any time soon.

But what people need to realize is that we're not fighting just a group of people or a certain location on a map.  We are fighting an IDEA and that makes things WAY more difficult.  Because if this was just a matter of finding all of the people in ISIS and then ripping off all of their testicles and shoving them down their throat until they choke and die then i'd say let's go f'n do it already!  But fighting an idea with weapons is extremely tough, because only people can be killed with bombs but their ideas can still live on.  And if when bombing ISIS we happen to kill civilians which happens ALL of the time, then don't you realize that the people who knew and loved those innocent people might then hate America and pick up their cause and then start another wave of ISIS soldiers?  Just a thought.

And to all of those Republicans who say "WE REFUSE TO TAKE IN SYRIAN REFUGEES INTO OUR STATES!" that is totally fine.  But when you do so PLEASE don't also tell me that you believe in Jesus or any of his teachings.  Because if you believe that Jesus Christ would turn his back on anyone let alone innocent refugees freeing the violence in their country then you obviously don't understand one thing that he preaches.  And yes i get that it is possible for terrorists to sneak in that way so we need a better way to vet the people who come in.  But i also know that there are many innocent women and children that are refugees and you're still saying we shouldn't let them in either?  So fine, you can still say that if you want.  But either say we shouldn't let in refugees or you can say that you believe in Jesus' love but you are not allowed to say both.  That hypocrisy i don't allow.

But whatever, i understand people are angry and upset and those are very powerful emotions that are hard to control.  And i also get that after 9/11 i was also angry and upset and when we went to war with Afghanistan and then Iraq i was all for it because we have to get revenge for what happened to us!  But in the end what did America do?  We went to a war over false pretenses and we took out an evil dictator without ANY plan on what to do afterwards and now that country is in even worse shape then before we were there and that's exactly where and how ISIS got created.  So maybe this time we can learn our lesson and think before we try to just respond with violence.  Or maybe not and then we'll see what happens i guess, although my guess is it will be nothing good.  Or at least not as good as these cookies i'm about to eat!


-  So i have something i have to admit to you all, and it's something that may be a little surprising to some of you.  And it's that even though i have said that Donald Trump is a big pile of steaming racist $hit who deserves a Walking Dead type zombie death, the truth is i don't know if i really think he's an actual racist.  i mean sure he said that all Mexicans are murderers and rapists and that he supports "Operation Wetback," and he also thinks building a wall between us and Mexico is a good idea.
But the truth is deep down, i don't know if Trump really hates Mexicans.  What i honestly believe is that he's a super rich sociopath who knows how to speak to the dumb uninformed masses.  And if saying outlandish things like all Mexicans are murderers and that he supports rounding up millions of Mexicans and their families into trains and buses at gunpoint and sending them back will get him the support of ignorant angry white voters who love hearing a loud mouth know nothing whose only talents are becoming rich on the money his daddy gave him and dating women half his age who would be thrown out of this country due to his own immigrant plan then honestly, good for him.   i almost kind of respect Trump, because he's the first Republican Presidential candidate to openly and blatantly reach out to his racist ignorant base, and since that is what most Republicans have become these days it would make sense that he leads in most polls.  And i guess if you're going to run on the ignorance and hate of the uninformed people in this country who aren't smart enough to see through his garbage then i guess these people are getting the voice they want and deserve.  So maybe, just maybe, if you want to tell me Trump isn't a racist then i might just believe you.  But the people who support him and want to vote for him sure are!

- i'm not a Ronda Rousey fan by any stretch, and in fact i was actually hoping she'd lose this past weekend when she went up against Holly Holm.  Not for any reason really, except for the fact that i thought Ronda came off as a bitch on the UFC reality show "The Ultimate Fighter."  And also because it seemed like EVERYONE was on her bandwagon and as soon as that happens i will almost always root against them because liking the same thing or person as everyone else is mad boring to me.

However, now that she has lost and all of the HATERS have come out of the woodwork and are mocking Ronda mercilessly i have to admit i kinda feel bad for her.  So any of the enjoyment that i thought i would get if and when Ronda finally lost never came to me, and if anything i just have pity for the former champ and possibly greatest woman fighter of all time.

That being said, i still have no problem saying...

- Just because one is religious and close to God does NOT mean they can't whoop some ass!  Not only that, it also means you are a great nominee as one of the The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!   And i can think of no saint more deserving then Father Mike Crain the Karatist Preacher and "GOD'S POWER!"
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - So while it's true that people who live home with their parents don't have to pay any rent, what people forget is that instead they are paying with their mental sanity that they will most likely never get back.  And by most likely i mean they are scarred for life.   And the worst part is you barely save any money.  All the money you save on rent you spend going out to bars and drinking your face off to try and forget what lunatics your parents are.  Which is probably the reason that every time people move home for "a few months" that ends up turning into them staying there way into their late 30's.  "MA! Where's the Meatloaf!  F*CK!"

Fast Food Tips - When i think of Thanksgiving i only think of one thing, and that's eating so much delicious food that i end up laying down with my pants unbuttoned watching football as the people in the Chinese restaurant wonder who i am and what i'm doing there by myself.  But the second thing i think of is White Castle!  Which is great because this year they are releasing their new turkey sliders and sweet potato fries to fill my stomach as well as the hole in my heart that i have from having to spend Thanksgiving alone once again.  Which means it's win win!

They have 3 different types, the turkey dinner slider, the cranberry turkey slider, and the bistro turkey slider if you want to keep things classy.  So go enjoy all 3 along with the sweet potato fries so you too can have the full Thanksgiving experience before you end up in the bathtub with a warm book, some calming bubbles and a sharp razor!

And that's it for me today kids!  There's only going to be one or two more blogs left this year, as i have a few things coming up in my life and it's just going to be too busy and crazy to find the time to get out the free ha ha's.  But i hope you enjoyed today's despite the depressing topic, i'll try to keep them lighter before i'm done in 2015!

Cya Tuesday, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

And go "LIKE" my Here Comes the Money Facebook page!

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality. - Conan O'Brien


What is up kids?

So i'm a little f*cking heated after this past weekend, and it's for something that i know i shouldn't let bother me.  And it sucks because other then this one thing i couldn't possibly be going through a better time in my life right now.  i have a MUCH better job then the one i had when i started this blog, and by much better i mean i don't want to jab a pair of scissors into my jugular rather then walk into that hell hole one more time.  Although hell hole is a little rough, because you probably don't get to hang out with some of your best friends in hell.  Which by the way, doesn't that seem like something corporate America banks on?  The fact that the relationships you have with the people you work with will make it worth you working/staying there besides the fact that management treats you and pays you like garbage?  Honestly, if it wasn't for the people you work with most of us would be out of our jobs WAY sooner.  Just a thought...
But yeah my current job has definitely been money lately so it's not that.  And like i said last blog i'm engaged to my best friend (What's his name!??!) and i just got to celebrate my Godson Kieran's 2nd birthday with my entire family in Cape Cod and everything else besides the Mets losing really has been going my way lately.  But for some reason i'm just so gddamn heated about Donald Trump hosting SNL last weekend, and for some reason i just can't get over it.  Because for real, as i've said a million times before Trump is a lying racist bag of douche with the soul of a toilet at a Taco Bell restaurant in the poor section of Tijuana.

And the thing is, i already know Trump is a waste of sperm who deserves a sexually transmitted disease named after him.  What i want to know is how did Lorne Michaels and the cast at SNL actually think it'd be cool or funny to have this heartless motherf*cker host one of America's greatest institutions? And i say that with all seriousness, as i've been a huge fan of SNL since the 80's and i've watched ever since including all the years they said the show was DONE.
But i didn't watch it last weekend, and to be honest i don't know if i want to watch this Saturday either.  Because f*ck SNL for having this $hit stain as their host.  And shame on all of you who watched, because unless it was your job to report on this show you shouldn't have given them the pathetic ratings that they wanted. It's like the people who hate Kim Kardashian but still pay attention to everything she does.  Because it's one thing to hate what she stands for, it's another thing to realize the only reason she is famous is because people give her attention and make her that way.  Which means Trump sucks donkey balls, but everyone who watched him has to take some blame in this as well.  And they should, because when the media says "Kardashian!" or "Trump!" everyone has to watch and then say how stupid both of them are.  Which in reality it's the viewer giving them any attention at all that are WAY more stupid, and therefore should be ashamed at what they've created.
But no one is ashamed for feeding into their bull$hit, and no one ever learns.  And because of this we have heard people like Trump and Ben Carson saying INSANE things yet leading the Repubs in the polls. And i'm not saying the other republican candidates are better or that there's nothing wrong with Democrats because they are all f'n crazy (except Bernie Sanders).  But these two are straight up LUNATICS, and Trump is an openly racist lunatic who SNL thought was okay to host and you thought was okay to watch.  But i'm glad i didn't, and if SNL doesn't realize the error of their ways i might not watch again until they do.  And if there is one thing that makes me happy after this entire racist debacle it's that i've heard from the people who have seen his hosting job say it was one of the WORST episodes of SNL of all time, and it honestly couldn't have happened to people who deserved it more.


- If i'm being honest there is ONE thing i wish i was able to watch on SNL this past weekend, and that's Larry David playing Bernie Sanders.  Because that is the funniest and most accurate person to play someone of all time on this show!
And to make it even better, Larry David had heard that a Hispanic group offered $5,000 to any one in the crowd that shouted out "Donald Trump is a racist!" during his monologue so Larry David did it!  And not only that, the group is giving him the 5k!  God Bless the USA!  And Mexico! And God bless Larry David!
- Speaking of God, if you haven't heard already and hopefully you haven't Starbucks is releasing their new "holiday" cups for the winter season!  And apparently they are just regular red cups and don't have any "Christmas" themes on them like snowflakes and reindeer or whatever else they use to have on them and instead are just a bright red.
And if this sounds like the dumbest and most boring thing you've heard all day first of all you're correct, but secondly you must not be a Christian because they are EXTREMELY offended by this and they truly believe Starbucks is waging a war on Christmas and they will no longer be drinking coffee at Starbucks!  And i wish this wasn't a real thing that i was writing about, i really do.  But these pansy ass, over sensitive, nothing real to be upset over, first world problem having super religious white people have decided to make this an actual thing.  And to that i just gotta say please find out what the real problems other people are having in this world are before you open your dumb mouth to complain.  PLEASE.  And if you think there is an "actual" war on Christmas then maybe it's time to stop watching Fox News and to take yourself out of the bubble because red cups and saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry X-Mas!" will NOT kill Christmas and there's no chance it ever would.  And yes i wrote "X-mas" on purpose to hopefully bunch those panties even higher up your butthole that is so tight it could turn sand into glass.  Stop being such a ho ho ho and get over yourself already!
- Speaking of actual real issues, i'd like to say Happy Birthday to the Marine Corps who are celebrating 240 years of faithful service.  And i'd also like to say an early Happy Veterans day to all of those brave enough and strong enough to have served our country.  The sacrifice all of you made to fight for a country that has never appreciated you enough is incredible, and i for one will forever be in your debt.  i don't know how you did what you did and do what you do when there are people who live here getting mad about red cups at Starbucks, but that's exactly why you're so amazing and special and exactly why i appreciate you all so much.  So thank you!!!
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - Who designed martini glasses? i don't know but if i had to guess i'm guessing a$$holes.  i mean don't get me wrong, there ain't nothing wrong with getting down and dirty with a dirty.  But these glasses are so oddly shaped that it's basically impossible to do anything but sit there and drink slowly unless you want to pour half that $12 drink all over the place.  Oh wait, now i get it.  They design them this way so that you have to end up spilling it and then have to order more of them.  They really ARE designed by a$$holes!  It all makes much more sense to me now.  Carry on everyone!
Fast Food FACTS The guy who wrote "Eat This, Not That!" which is a great read if you want to learn how to eat healthier when eating disgusting fast food also puts out a lot of great tips and/or facts about how we are destroying our bodies by eating the garbage that is known as fast food.  Case in point, he (David Zinczenko) brought up an award winning study that compared the bacterial content in the ice at fast food restaurants to that same restaurants toilet water and found out that 70% of the time the ice was dirtier then said toilet water. Also, in several cases the ice tested positive for E Coli, which if you weren't $hitting yourself enough already just eating the food now you're guaranteed to be like the Rock in the late 90's and lay the smack down on your toilet for much of the foreseeable future.  So add diarrhea to the list of free prizes you get with your Happy Meal!
And that's it for me today kids!  i hope you all have a great week, and enjoy these next few blogs because they're gonna be my last for awhile.  But i'll talk all about that next Tuesday on an all new blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

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Tuesday, November 3, 2015

It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great. - Jimmy Dugan "A League of Their Own"


What is up kids?

So after a miracle playoff run and one of the most fun times i've ever had watching baseball in my life it's all come to an end as those dumb ass Kansas City Royals beat my Underdog New York Mets.  And i gotta tell you kids, it hurts... it HURTS! 
Now maybe not as much as it hurts the New York Rangers losing in the Stanley Cup finals last year, which if you happened to forget about YOU'RE WELCOME for the reminder...
But after what was an amazing playoff run and an even more disappointing conclusion the season is finally over, and now i'm left to cry my heartbreaking tears into my stale peanuts and soggy crackerjacks that had NONE prize until next season once again.  And yeah i should be happy we made it this far especially when our team hit ROCK BOTTOM right before the trade deadline in June and the thought of the playoffs let alone the World Series was nothing but an impossible dream.  And yeah i should be happy that all of our money pitchers are coming back again next year and we should have the same if not a better shot and getting back to the World Series again.  And yeah i should be happy that the Yankees organization is going in the opposite direction, especially after an EMBARRASSING exit from this years playoffs where they didn't even bother scoring a run in their lone playoff game at home.
But the truth is i'm already over it, because i've got some other crazy and exciting news going on to keep my mind occupied.  Like how about the fact that i got engaged a couple of weeks ago!  That's right kids, your not so humble and sexy narrator asked the love of his life to marry him in front of both of our families and she said yes!  And not only that, she wasn't drunk when she did it NOR did she immediately regret it afterwards!  And there's two things i'd like to say about our engagement, one being that i've legit never been happier with someone in my life, and after never thinking i'd find the right person to spend the rest of my life with (who could also stand being with me) i'm truly marrying my best friend and am insanely excited about our future together!   And the second thing i'd like to say is sorry other bitches!  This suave and slightly over weight motherf*cker is now officially off of the market!  So to all of you ladies that were hoping against hope for a chance with me...  LATER VAGINAS!  And to you gay men that were hoping i'd be your power bottom, LATER DICKS!


-  So now that i'm about to get hitched i'm starting to do cheesy couple stuff that i used to think i'd NEVER do like "couple" costumes for Halloween.  Which to me always seemed like some sort of painful punishment until i realized that if you're with the right person and you actually come up with the money idea for a couple's costume it's actually not that bad.  No wait, it's better then that, it's actually pretty money!  Case in point, here are me and my fiancĂ© as Wreck it Ralph and Vanellope and we do look fantastic if i do say so myself!
- Halloween's over, but that doesn't mean i can't educate some of you dumb asses on what the hell TRUNK or Treat is.   No, not TRICK or treat you old basterd without a kid, I'm saying TRUNK or treat!  Which means instead of sending your helpless child out alone to stranger after strangers' house in hopes of getting candy and not poison and/or rape you instead take them to a safe place like a park or a school parking lot and a bunch of cheesy parents open up and decorate the trunks of their car and hand out candy in a happy and child safe manner.
Which sounds all well and good except for the fact that Halloween isn't supposed to be safe and kid friendly, it's supposed to be about CANDY!  And i can get a LOT more candy going house to house with a pillow bag and filling that bag with a bunch of sweet and delicious gooey goodness.  And if there's one thing i love in this life it's filling my bag with a bunch of sweet and delicious gooey goodness!  My ball bag that is!  And oh yeah my candy bag too.
- If i got to choose a coast i got to choose the East, i live out there so don't go there.  But that don't mean a nigga can't rest in the West, see some nice breasts in the West.  I'm going going, back back, to MIAMI?  Wait, that doesn't make sense.  But what does make sense is naming the next entry into The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  Because Biggie is the MONEY, but there is one man bad enough to take it back to the East coast and to not go to Cali when you know you've got that beef with Tupac and you know what maniacs they have out there and how could you make that trip after Tupac was killed when you knew they were gonna come after you oh Notorious one!
We may never know the answer to this, but we have the answer on who brought it back to the East coast as i present to you the ORIGINAL pimp,  Wayne Cochran and "Going Back to Miami!"
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - Why don't we make it acceptable to give money as gifts?  Who doesn't want money?  It's the best and easiest gift to get for someone ever, and for some reason society has decided that it's not "thoughtful" enough.  What's this now?  Money isn't gddamn thoughtful?  i'm pretty sure that money goes with everything, and if that is what you get me i won't have to fake my happiness the way i did in my joke above.  i will be generally and most sincerely happy!

And i would honestly be touched to get such an amazing gift.  Unlike clothes, i know money will fit me and will never go out of style.  And unlike gift cards i won't be forced to shop at only one place, with money as my gift i will be free to pick and choose whatever store i want!  Which is way better then trying to hang on to that gift receipt so i can go try and return your gift with a hundred other unhappy aholes that will be doing the same thing.  So for real, let's do the right thing America.  Weed is legal in two states and gay marriage is becoming more acceptable as each day goes by.  Isn't it time that we made it acceptable to give cash as gifts from now on?  It's time for a change!  Or at least some change, i'll take the money in quarters just give it to me!
Fast Food Tips -  So there's no denying that fast food is TERRIBLE for you and eating it on any kind of regular basis will turn most if not all of your major organs into liquid $hit.  However, there is also no denying that sometimes you're broke and hungry as f*ck, the kind of broke where you go and cash the change in your couch cushions in HOPES that you can scrounge up around 4 dollars.  Why only 4 beans?  Because Wendy's has it's new 4 for 4 deal which includes a JBC ( or a junior bacon cheeseburger to those of you not HIP to Wendy's inside lingo), 4 piece nuggets, a small fries and a drink.  Which is a deal that can't be beat!  So find that 4 dollars and go to Wendy's and then get disappointed because you COMPLETELY forgot about the tax on top of that $4 and now you can't afford to do this money deal.  Way to go jerky!
And that's it for me today kids!  Who would have thought after years and years of nonsense and over 400 blogs worth of hang overs and throwing up and Kate Upton pictures and fast food tips and things you would never want to hear at a urinal that yours truly would ever get married?  i don't know, but it took a special girl and my best friend for it to happen so stranger stranger, stranger things have happened i know.  Oh oh.  Oh oh.

Cya next Tuesday with an all new blog!

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