Tuesday, May 19, 2015

During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody. - Adam Sandler "Happy Gilmore"

THE BLOG WHERE i GET FIVE FOR FIGHTING

OR...

THE BLOG WHERE i PUT IT IN YOUR FIVE HOLE

What is up kids?

Sorry, i couldn't decide what title to use so i went with both.  But anyways, is everyone paying attention to these exciting Hockey playoffs?  i mean the weather is warm and sunny outside which of course means most people in America IMMEDIATELY turn their focus to ice hockey!  
And while in the past i used to write about my slight distaste for the New York Rangers, if you read my last blog then you now know that i'm now their biggest "fan" and i "really" hope they beat the Tampa Bay Lightening and go on to "win" the Stanley Cup!  Then all those Ranger haters couldn't talk anymore about how they've only won one since 1940!
But there is only one hockey player that i would like to talk about today, and it's one that some blog faithfuls might remember that i wrote about before.  And it's not a player from my "favorite" team.  It's Alexander Ovechkin, a player on the Washington Capitals which is a team that has now lost to the New York Rangers in the playoffs 3 years in a row.  And not only 3 years in a row, 3 game SEVENS in a row.  And not only did he lose his third game 7 in a row this year, he did it after GUARANTEEING a victory in game 7 which they ended up losing.  AGAIN!

i bring this up today because last year when Ovechkin lost i wrote a somewhat scathing Random Nonsense bit for him and i think it's only proper that i bring it up here again.  So please, read this review of supposedly one of the "best" players in hockey.  But while you read it just remember that everything i said only gets compounded by the fact that he loses again the very next year after guaranteeing they wouldn't, and after his team being up 3-1 in the series.  Enjoy!


- Could you imagine being a hockey team and losing a game 7 to the awful New York Rangers?  You could?  Well could you imagine being that same hockey team and then losing another game 7 the very next year to the Rangers, at home, in a 5 - 0 blow out?  Yeah me neither.  But apparently that's what the Washington Capitals did, and that's what a team with zero heart does.  Alexander Ovechkin is an overrated player who will never win the cup, and he goes to show just how soft the Russian hockey player is these days.

And while Ovechkin did have a decent point when commenting about how bull$hit it was that the refs REFUSED to call any power plays for the Caps all series, especially the zero they called in game 6 at MSG when the Rangers were awarded 5 Power plays.  To lose two game sevens in a row to the same team is unforgivable, especially when that team is the Rangers.  So to that hack Ovechkin and the Washington Capitals...

LATER DICKS!

Oh, and speaking of Later Dicks...
LATER DICK!

RANDOM NONSENSE


- It's not shocking to say that there is an extreme amount of tension between black people and the police these days.  The question on whether this is due to a cycle of oppression that is felt in the inner cities, or due to a few bad apples in an otherwise honorable police force is a subject that can be argued for decades and an issue that may never truly be solved.

But there is one thing that we can all agree on, and it's a message that is best explained in this weeks nominee for 
The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME! And that message is that if the police are coming for you there is only one thing you should do, and that's "Shut and Dance, and Dance Before the Police come! "
A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Pish Poshes"

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - You  know who must want to legalize drugs more then anyone?  Credit card companies.  Holy $hitballs could you imagine how much you would ring up if you could put drugs on your card?  Forget my mortgage or my Sallie Mae loans, i would owe on my credit card bill LONG after i died.  My great grand kids would be paying for that ounce i bought when i was trying to impress those baby girls who just graduated and live in the house next to me.  Or that pound of sticky icky i bought that time we watched the entire 4th season of "Breaking Bad" in one sitting.  So yeah while i am on the side of legalizing most drugs, please do not let me be able to purchase it on my credit card unless you want me to declare bankruptcy.
Fast Food Tips - Do you enjoy the sweet aroma of a Yankee Candle?  Are you an extremely unhealthy and fat f*ck who wants to be surrounded by the delicious smell of fried chicken, cheese and bacon at all times?  Well urine luck!  Because KFC has released their KFC Double Down Candle, the perfect mood setter when hitting on obese members of the opposite sex.  Who needs lube when you can slather your private parts with KFC grease and the delicious scent of America's most obnoxiously fat sandwich?  i don't know, but if you love eating KFC Double Downs i'll be sure to light these candles when we all attend your early funeral!
And that's it for me today kids!  Don't forget that i'm only posting new blogs on Tuesday's going forward, and if you have trouble remembering that just think of me and how you'll see me next Tuesday!  Or is it see you next Tuesday?  No, i remember.  It's if you seek Amy!  

Either way, i'll see you next Tuesday with an all new blog!  Don't forget to tell your friends!  

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter


Tuesday, May 12, 2015

There's heroes and there's legends. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die. Follow your heart kid, and you'll never go wrong. - Babe Ruth "The Sandlot"

THE BLOG WHERE i PLAY WITH mY SOFT BALLS


What is up kids?

i'll tell you what's up, it's a beautiful Spring day and it's a wonderful day to go out and play softball!  And not just any softball, i'm talking men and women's co-ed high arc slow pitch 21-35 year old weeknights only softball!  i mean really, is there any other way to play?
And i don't know how many of you are playing or have played softball in a league like this before, whether it be with your friends or co-workers or whatever.  All i'm saying is that i played in one of those leagues for 8 years and it's 8 years of my life that i wish i could get back.  Not that it wasn't fun ever, because we did win championships in 3 of those years which was pretty money.
Ok fine that's a picture of me with my fantasy football championship and not our softball one.  But in my defense that means WAY more to me!  But anyways, people always join a softball league thinking it will be "fun" and a great time with co-workers and friends!  But what follows is nothing but arguments, people missing games at the last minute, nonstop fights over the lineup, and a level of competitiveness that hasn't been seen since The Hunger Games. A movie that i really enjoyed the first time i saw it, when it was called "Battle Royale"
For real, these co ed softball leagues are straight up CUT THROAT.  No one is playing just to have fun, and if they are everyone else on either team probably hates them.  Because the only way to have fun is to win!  If you want to have fun and not win just don't play because it ain't happening.  Like Ricky Bobby said in "Talladega Nights," i like the Christmas baby Jesus.  And oh yeah, if you ain't first, you're last! 
And besides all of that, even if you do end up on a winning team with a bunch of cool people who actually get along and no one fights over the lineup or anything and everyone shows up to every game on time, you STILL have to deal with all of the RAIN OUTS.  And not the fun rain outs where 
you're like, "hey the game was rained out, let's go out to a bar and have drinks instead!"  i'm talking about those rain outs where it's only kinda raining hard, but it's also on and off so they don't want to call the game off too soon.  So everyone has to drive far out to the field after getting out of 
work, and then get dressed in their uniform and just sit there and wait around to see if you'll actually end up playing.  And then only after it's 10 minutes past the game's start time do they decide to not play, and now instead of going right home after work and relaxing or to a happy hour to get drinks you wasted most of your time standing in puddles of rain and dirt in your stupid stirrups.  

But yeah, my point to all of this is that there is more good then bad when it comes to softball.  Because at best you'll have an okay time, and at worst you'll ruin your entire spring and summer.  So have fun those of you who are playing softball this Spring!  Just remember that everyone joins the league thinking it's going to be all about fun and boozing and time with friends, but when it turns 
into nothing but fighting and losing and standing in the rain don't blame me, i tried to warn you!


RANDOM NONSENSE

- So i just want to say "good luck" to the New York Rangers, who will try to complete an AMAZING comeback against the Washington Capitals!  i know i've done some gentle ribbing to this fine organization over the years, but the truth is they have a lot of heart and i truly think they are going to win tomorrow night and advance to the next round of the playoffs.
And if any of you think i'm just writing this because when i make fun of the Rangers they seem to always win the next game i just have to say HOW DARE YOU!!  The Rangers are a quality team despite only winning one cup since 1940, and to suggest that i'm just trying to jinx them by rooting for them and saying they DEFINITELY will win on Wednesday night is just wrong and i quite frankly find it offensive.  So Let's go Rangers, do it for Rob and Albin and any other "friends" of mine who love the Rangers.  i REALLY and TRULY hope they win Wednesday night! 


A Great Name for a Punk Band!  "The Spring Chickens" 


- If you don't remember my story about blacking out and doing the electric slide then you probably don't remember that my annual camping trip is coming up soon!  You know, the trip that my friends and i take together without the wives as we all sleep under the same roof as we get drunk and admit secrets about each other that nobody else knows about especially the gay ones.  No i don't mean gay as in homosexual, i mean gay as in penises flying at our face!
And it is with that gay ol time in mind that i'd like to show you the next nominee for The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME! and it's one that reminds me more of camping every time i see it.  The friendship, the male bonding, the smiles, the nudity.  This cover has it all, and as far as i know this is an actual picture of one of our camping trips.  So enjoy this cover art masterpiece with Orleans and "Waking and Dreaming!"
Fast Food Tips - If you love Shake Shack (and if you have working tastes buds and a healthy pair of testicles and/or ovaries there's no reason that you shouldn't) you should be aware that they have a "secret" menu where you can order some wackily delicious things like the Shake Shack Peanut Butter and bacon burger!  A burger that's not on the official menu, but if you order it they will gladly spread some creamy peanut butter on the top of your delicious buns, at the same time you eagerly spread a thin layer of happiness on the crotchal region of your pants.  i haven't ordered one yet so i'm not positive this is a real thing, but i read about this on the interwebs and when has that ever been wrong?'

And that's it for me today kids!  Don't forget i'm finito with Friday blogs from now on so don't look for a new on on Friday!  It's gonna be Tuesday's from now on or at least until i get too busy for these and then i'll be done completely.  But i can't see that happening for awhile so love and get used to the free laughs on Tuesday's only and i'll cya back here next week!




Friday, May 8, 2015

It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace. - Bill Hicks

THE BLOG ABOUT GETTING PEOPLE TO RELAX AND CELEBRATING MOTHERS


What is up kids?


So is it me or is this entire country just WAY too on edge these days?  And by "these days" i mean that any possible second that the media can over blow a story or situation they do WHATEVER they can to make anything that happens seem like the most controversial event of all time!
And while i'll admit that a lot of what is going on in this country and even the world is EXTREMELY f*cked up, from the glaring wage gap from the super rich to the increasingly number of poor people, to the a$$holes who are still against gay marriage and a womans' right to choose what she wants to do with HER body.  To all of the people fighting about whether cops are abusing their power and killing unarmed black men or if the people who riot and destroy towns and put police officers in danger are the real problem.  It is very easy to see that $hit is seriously F*CKED up!  And not only that, the regular season heroes the New York Rangers are now only 1 game away from being eliminated from the second round of the playoffs by the Washington Capitals!  i'm guessing it's because they are playing these games with their best goalie on their bench.
And while of course most of these are truly important issues that deserve an intelligent and rational discussion, the truth is most of us need to RELAX for a hot second and put these things into perspective.  And yes i understand that those more directly involved in these situations find this harder to do and rightfully so.  But to the social media warriors who only see these stories on Facebook or Yahoo news and rush to make their ill informed comments, or the people who get all riled up listening to Sean Hannity or Bill O'Reilly about how  white people are "losing" the country and Christians are losing the war on Christmas. Or even to those that get caught up with all of the celebrity gossip on tv, and knew that there was NO WAY that they could miss the Bruce Jenner interview because it was the most important thing in the news of all time! 
But for real, some of you that find such importance in such things need to take a breath, close your eyes, and hold it until you're dead and stop bothering everyone with your petty nonsense and fake outrage.  But the rest of you need to open your eyes, look at the world around you and realize that maybe, just maybe things aren't so bad!  i know the media doesn't want you to believe this, mostly because no one watches the news to hear about all of the good things that are going on in the world.  Because we all know good news is a ratings killer!  We need to focus on riots, murders, crime, poverty, and the Mayweahter Pacquiao fight!
And it's definitely a shame that we really only use our power of hype for bad news or fake "events" like that stupid fight or the new Avengers movie or anything that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.  We talk about not having enough money to help out poor people who need it or homeless people that have no place to live, or children that can't afford healthy meals or a decent education.  But when we see 5.6 million people are able to shell out $100 each for a fight that put more people to sleep then Ambien chugged with a bottle of whisky then maybe we do have all the money that we need in this country and it's just that our priorities are so f'd up that we just let the rich keep it all while we're busy fighting and arguing over the scraps they leave behind.  Just a thought.
But again, none of that is what i want to talk about today.  My point of today's rant is to get you all to stop getting so angry about all of the stuff i just listed.  And i know  that these issues are enough to drive a person mad, but at the same time if you keep focusing on all of the garbage you lose track of the things that are really important in life.  Like love and family, or sunsets and flowers, and delicious food like bacon!  Or shows like "Game of Thrones" or "Breaking Bad," or even a free comedy blog from a slightly overweight yet sexy Hispanic guy!  There's plenty to be happy and upbeat about in this world, you just need to know  where to look and what to care about.  And just like Mr. Hicks said in the quote above we all have a choice.  So what will you choose this weekend? 

RANDOM NONSENSE

- So hopefully she's not reading this but if she is i'd like to say Happy Mother's day to my own mother Sandy.  i know that she doesn't really understand me or my humor, and it's hard for her to read almost everything i write in this blog.  But i do owe all of the sensitivity and empathy that i have to her, and that is something i find both a curse and a blessing.  It's a blessing because i do care about other human beings and i am constantly trying to make sure people around me are having a good time, especially those that or more quiet or shy.  i always try to make everyone feel comfortable around me and that is definitely something i learned from my mother.  But it's a curse because i grew up a sensitive pansy who always fell for the girls too hard and would end up a constantly depressed heartbroken disaster who was a crying blubbering mess.  Plus she taught me how to be filled with anxiety and panic at all times, but in her defense all women teach men about that so that's not really her fault...

And even though we disagree on things like religion and especially comedy, i do think she realizes that i'm not a bad person. And hopefully with all of the praying she does i'll actually be able to get into heaven instead of burning in hell for eternity.  Because i do also realize that i was an extremely difficult child, and by extremely difficult i mean that i was a high energy annoying jerk who had to argue anything and everything at all times.  So the fact that she didn't strangle me in my sleep shows what an angel she actually was and is.  But to my own mother and to all of you moms out there i'd just like to say, "i'll clean my room later! Give me a minute to relax!  And yes i'll take the garbage out, they don't pick it up until the morning so i don't need to take it out this second!  And why can't i hang out after the school dance?  All my friends are going and i want to go too!  And why are you taking all of these baby pictures and movies of me and putting them on Facebook?  Who do you think watches all of this nonsense?  And what do you mean pay rent? i'm your son, i shouldn't have to pay you anything even if i am 35 years old and living in your basement!  i didn't choose to have me, you did!!!"
And oh yeah, Happy Mother's day!  :)
- Even though it's not officially the summer yet i can already feel it flying by, and that's a feeling i've learned that just comes with old age.  And i know i'm not ancient, but i also know my days of hitting on girls as young as Kate Upton are long behind me.  i mean yeah they were behind me 10 years ago, but this is the first time in my life that i actually feel that way...
But there will come a time soon that everyone i've ever known and loved will be long gone, and it is at that time that this next The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME! will come in handy to listen to.  Because what music will help ease your soul once the apocalypse comes and we all get ready to enter that great unknown?  i'm not sure, but today's nominee should at least help you in such trying times. And it's also something i hope i can listen to in regards to all of my "friends" who i go camping with yet find the need to keep reminding me about how  last year i got so drunk that i blacked out and made them all do the electric slide with me which i still don't 100% believe happened...

Either way, it's with those friends in mind that i bring to you Freddie Gage, and "All my Friends are Dead"
Fast Food Tips "MOTHER'S DAY" Edition! It's Mother's day this Sunday, and if you're looking for the perfect gift to get to show her how much you love her then i have JUST the thing!  White Castle is offering a sack of 10 sliders for only $2.50 if you go on their site and use the promo code "MOM."  And if there is anything that shows your mom how much you care more then feeding her some cheap sliders so she can think about you while she's stuck on the toilet for the rest of the day i don't know what it is!  And sure if i tried to think of literally anything else i bet i could think of something better.  But this blog's about over and i don't got the time, so we're gonna stick with this being the GREATEST Mother's day gift you can get!  Happy Mother's day moms!
And that's it for me today kids!  And i mean for Fridays in general, because i am DONE with Friday blogs!  i'm going to switch back to doing them on Tuesday's instead, because by the time these come out on Friday all of the weeks' news is already over and everyone's focused on the weekend and not the hilarity that is my blog.  So starting THIS Tuesday i'll be doing one blog on week on Tuesdays from now on.  Sound good?  No?  Well suck it cause that's my story and i'm sticking to it!

Friday, May 1, 2015

Sometimes i know, sometimes i rise, sometimes i fall, sometimes i don't, sometimes i cringe, sometimes i live, sometimes i walk, sometimes i kneel, sometimes i speak of nothing at all ... - Pearl Jam "Sometimes"


THE BLOG WHERE i SPEAK OF NOTHING AT ALL

What is up kids?


i'll tell you what's definitely up and that's the tensions between minorities and the police in Baltimore even though that might be the understatement of the year.  And although i had a big rant planned for today explaining how i felt on the subject and more importantly how i felt about all of the reactions by people on social media, i've decided i'm just not going to do it.  Mostly because it's Friday and the start of a beautiful weekend, i'm going out for one of my best friend's birthday celebration tomorrow and i also get to spend all weekend with my girl.  So why get caught up with all of the pathetic nonsense that is going on in the world?
And this is not to say that i haven't been paying attention and/or have an opinion on these things because i most certainly have both.  It's just that i feel enough people have been commenting throughout this entire ordeal and at this point i'm not sure what i could add besides my own humble yet hilarious opinion.  So instead of rehashing stuff you've already heard from people way smarter and dumber then me, i would rather get you all ready for this weekend and more importantly the Cinco de Miguel holiday taking place this Tuesday!  And make sure you read my "Extra Mexican" Fast Food tips later in my blog!
Although speaking of May 5th, i already can't STAND all of the "May the Fourth be With You!" memes that will be up all over the Interwebs on Monday. Despite the fact that i actually dig Star Wars and am happy that they are making more movies.  But everyone has to post the same lame re-hashed meme on Facebook or Twitter or whatever and it's boring and unoriginal and you'll never find me doing it.  And don't get me started on the "It's gonna be May" memes with Timberlake either.  Except for you Kelly, you're allowed! :) 
However, i came up with my own idea for a brand new phrase for a meme and i'd like to know what you all think.  It's "May the Cinco be With You!" which is original and hilarious and that is something i have none problem posting on social media!  And if you follow my Facebook page at Here Comes the Money... Facebook Page you will get jokes like this and even funnier ones because of my boy Jay John who keeps posting ruthless and funny stuff.  So yeah go like my page, it's my Cinco de Mayo wish!


RANDOM NONSENSE

- So who does everyone have for the fight this Saturday?  Are you rooting for the guy who beats his wives/girlfriends, or the guy who is going to lose the fight by some sort of shady split decision when this fight inevitably goes the distance?  All i know is that i should be rooting for Money Mayweather because his nickname is money, but my best friend is also Filipino and i know his entire race could use this victory.  Either way it'll be a hard fought match, just like the one the New York Rangers lost on Thursday night when they gave up the game losing goal with 1.3 seconds left in the game! 
- In case you missed it last Sunday (and if you're a fan of my VHS BREAKDOWN FACEBOOK PAGE then you're cool people and already know this ) it was the 30th anniversary of one of the greatest and most underrated movies of all time "Just One of the Guys" 
 And while most people only remember it for the GREATEST BOOB SCENE IN MOVIE HISTORY it was also an early and serious look at transgender culture as well as the stereotypes women have had to deal with back in high school during the 80's. Alright fine, we just love looking at her cans.  But either way happy 30th anniversary! 
A Great Name for a Punk Band!- "The Bad Apples"

- Did everyone see that video of that elephant video that was finally released from captivity and was so happy he literally started crying in happiness?  Personally i haven't watched it because i know that the second i see it i'll start to cry as well.  And once the water works get started over animals i just can't stop them!  
Which i personally find funny ,because it's the exact opposite when it comes to humans.  When i see humans get hurt i can never stop laughing!
But it's with this in mind i'd like to submit to you the next nominee for The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME! and i call it that because it has EVERYTHING.  It's got humans, it's got elephants in wigs playing instruments, and it asks one of the most mind boggling questions that has plagued all of mankind for generations and continues to do so to this very day.  And speaking of that very day here it is, The Foster Edwards Orchestra and "What's Next?"
Fast Food Tips -  This next tip would have been more appropriate on my 4/20 blog on 4/21, but once you hear what it is i think you'll give less of a $hit about when you heard and you'll care more about how to get that goodness in you.  Ben and Jerry's know what America loves best, and that's Mexicans and Ice Cream just maybe not in that order.  But these genius have finally figured out how to combine the best of both worlds with the new Ben and Jerry's BRRR-ito! 
This delicious treat from a cow's teats is made up of your "two favorite flavors of ice cream, topped with a fudge drizzle and cookie crumbs, all wrapped up in a soft and chewy waffle wrap."  And this sounds so delicious i might add my own personal fudge drizzle that comes out of my soft and chewy waffle wrap all over the front of my pants!  And i'm sorry if that description made you want it any less so let me make it up to you by showing you this Mexican ice cream slice of heaven!    

Fast Food Tips DOS - Sticking with the Mexican theme for Cinco de Mayo next week, don't forget to go to Taco Bell on Tuesday to get a FREE chicken biscuit breakfast taco! Between the hours of 7-11 am on May 5th Taco Bell is giving away a free biscuit taco of the bacon or sausage variety.  And while i know  it seems like bacon would be the easy choice i'm telling you no!  Go with sausage!  Not only because that's what she said but because T Bell bacon is poor at best, it's basically bacos just not as good.  But just like me their sausage is the money though, so when you're shoving that free biscuit taco down your fat throat in celebration of Mexicans make sure to think of me! 
And that's it for me today kids!  i hope you all have a great weekend and make sure you do something Mexican on Cinco de Mayo!  Wait, i mean someone, do someone Mexican on Cinco de Mayo. But more importantly then intercourse with a Sexy Mexy make sure you get that free biscuit at Taco Bell because that's the second best way to show Mexicans you love them!  And oh yeah, come back here on Friday for an all new blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Friday, April 24, 2015

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day? - George Carlin


THE BLOG WHERE TIME IS NOT ON MY SIDE

What is up kids?

i'll tell you what's up, the weekend is finally here but in my head i already feel like it's over because i have SO much to try and do in so little time.  For real, is it just me or is there just not enough time in the day to get everything you want done?  And by "in the day" i mean time in this LIFE because Jesus Christmas i just ain't got time to get anything done anymore!
And it definitely wasn't always this way.  When you are young the time can't go by quick enough!  Whether you're in school and it feels like it takes FOREVER before you get to your summer break.  Or when you're 15 years old and have to wait until you're 16 to get your driving permit and it feels like all of your friends are driving to cool places everyday and you can never meet up with them.  Or even worse, when you're 20 years old and all of your friends are 21 and you can't get into any bars and you feel like you're missing out on EVERYTHING!
But then once you hit your mid to late 20's everything starts flying by SO f'n fast!  And forget about hitting 30, once you're in your 30's the years fly by faster then bullets at an unarmed black kid from a racist cops' gun.  YEARS can go by like it's nothing, and a thought like "hey i should call Chuck and Jewell and see if they are down to meet up for a happy hour" turns into "holy $hitballs i haven't seen Chuck and Jewell since LOST was still on television!"
And it's so crazy, because you just don't realize how much time has gone by until you really stop and think about it.  i mean i have friends who i probably haven't spoken to in 4 years, but to me it doesn't seem like that long ago.  But when i put that in perspective with something like high school, was there anything that took longer then spending those 4 years trying to graduate?  The difference between who you were as a person as a graduating senior and an incoming freshmen is WORLDS apart, those 4 years might have been the longest and most trying times in your life.  But when i think about how 4 years ago from today it was 2011, that literally seems like it was yesterday!  Hell, i feel like it was only a hot minute ago that i was in high school and Nirvana and Pearl Jam were new on the radio and there was no such thing as cell phones or the internet!  Although i was also 80 pounds lighter, and that feels like it was a MILLION years ago...
But there is a way to fix all of this and make time go by slower so that you can enjoy life and still get things done. And the funny thing is it's actually not that hard to do.   And ever since i've been trying this new "technique" it has made a huge difference for me and it's made my life SO much better and easier.  And it is my hope that by letting you all know what it is that you too can find more time to spend with loved ones and to have fun, and if you listen to me i truly believe it will greatly improve your life.  And the crazy thing is that it's so simple that you'll be kicking yourself for not thinking of it sooner!  But the key to making every second in your life count for something is... wait, what time is it?  Damn i have to get the nonsense already, maybe i'll tell you all what to do next blog.  If i have time!!!


RANDOM NONSENSE

- Here's a random fact that i know none of you know about me.  For some reason i can't explain, i really dig water fountains.  And no i don't mean public fountains with nice statues of beautiful flowing water, i'm talking about the disgusting germ filled old school ones that  we used to use in grade school.  i don't know why this is but i don't care, i'm the biggest fan of them! 
 And yes i realize the fact that every dirty and disgusting human being or animal on the planet has wrapped their unwashed lips all over the faucet with their horrific dog food breath and unbrushed teeth.  However once you get past that you will realize that if you are parched and you need some free water there is nothing that beats a water fountain!  Especially one with cold water that has decent pressure so you don't have to put your lips on it and make out with every person in history that has ever taken a drink from it.  Somehow i am able to block all of that out and just enjoy free water which surprisingly is quite the privilege these days.  And yeah i may end up getting mouth herpes, but at least i'm not spending $10 a bottle for germ free Fuji!
- So i've learned a view things about women in the 74 years that i've been on this Earth.  One is NEVER tell a woman she looks tired, because you might as well just tell her, "hey, you look like $HIT today!"  Because i'll tell you right now if what you're telling a girl isn't a compliment then it's an insult, there is NO in between!  In addition i've also learned that girls are ALWAYS cold and that chicken fingers is the one universal meal that all women are allowed to order when going out without being judged by each other.
But i can finally add another item to this list, and that's that women HATE wearing khaki pants.  Maybe it's the boring color, maybe it's because they do not accentuate any of a woman's best attributes at all, maybe it's because it makes their ass look flat, and most likely it's a combination of all of the reasons listed above.  But women hate wearing khaki pants, so if you're an employer and you are hiring women you should do everything you can to avoid making them wear these God awful things and just let them wear black pants.  Because women definitely love wearing black pants!
Fast Food Tips - If you love pretzels and you love free stuff then this is the fast food tip you need in your life!  This Sunday is "National Pretzel day," and while this may have been the stupidest fake holiday i've ever heard of in my life i'm not going to argue with free pretzels.  The first place to go to Wetzels pretzels, where all you have to do is walk into a store on Sunday April 26th and say "My name is ____ Wetzel, and I want my pretzel!" So go do that on Sunday!
Now if you're too embarrassed to do this silly nonsense just to get a free pretzel i don't blame you, but you can also go to Auntie Anne's Pretzels and download their app and register for a free Original or Cinnamon Sugar Pretzel all weekend from April 24th to 26th.  Cinnamon Sugar being not only my favorite kind of pretzel from Auntie Anne, but also my nickname in college.  So enjoy the free sugar carbs people!  i know the pounds that you will gain will thank me!
And that's it for me today kids!  If you missed my special 4/20 on 4/21 blog that came out on Tuesday you should go back and read it now because it's hilarious.  Or if you read it while celebrating 4/20 you should go and read it again because you probably forgot all of it by now anyway.

And i'll see you all here next Friday with an all new blog, but before i go i have EXCLUSIVE footage from the highly anticipated Bruce Jenner interview that no one else has seen!  It's a very touching part of the interview that may not make it on to television, but lucky for you i was able to get a copy of it!  This shows a very emotional Bruce Jenner saying a fond farewell to his magnificent penis, and there were only two words he could muster when saying his final goodbye to this "member" of the Jenner family....
LATER DICK!