Friday, March 27, 2015

Weakness is what brings ignorance, cheapness, racism, homophobia, desperation, cruelty, brutality. All these things that will keep a society chained to the ground, one foot nailed to the floor. - Henry Rollins


THE BLOG WHERE i TRY TO GET THE SAND OUT OF MY VAGINA

What is up kids?

It's the first non-snowy weekend of Spring, and i for one am in a fantastic mood!  "Well it's about gddamn time!  We were all getting pretty sick of these blogs written by a depressed and "maturing" old a$$ miguel jose who is constantly complaining about being an "adult" and whining about all of the sand he gets stuck in his vagina.  How about this for an idea?  How about you actually write a "funny" blog for once and try to make us all laugh?  You know, instead of bitching and moaning like an 4 year old girl who just skinned her knees falling off of her tricycle?  We all know that you don't man up in real life, but why not try to do so at least once on your own f*cking blog?  i mean none of us can actually see you while you write this, why don't you at least PRETEND that you're a real man and make us fucking laugh you moody basterd?!?"

Wow, thanks for that.  Have i really been that bad lately?  i guess it makes sense, i have been pretty down on myself.  "Down where?" C'mon, JEWELL!!
But yeah i've definitely not been feeling the money up until recently, and as i told you previously it's been pretty tough especially on this blog.  i mean this blog is called "Here Comes the Money..." for a reason.  How the hell am i supposed to bring you guys the money comedy blog if i'm not feeling money myself?  i'll tell you how, i can't!   And it's at the worst possible time too, because like i told you kids last blog i finally have a real domain name for my blog, as you can now find me by going to Herecomesthemoney.net!  i'm straight up legit now!  "Yeah you are!  If by "legit" you mean you're a legit pu$$y who doesn't make enough money to support the ones you love.  It only makes sense that after 4 years and however many blogs that you FINALLY got a real domain name!"
 Jesus, you are PUMMELING me today!  Can you PLEASE give me a break just for a hot second!  Maybe you shouldn't put so much of your happiness on how funny my blog is and try to bring some happiness into your life yourself.  i get that you rely on my witty banter and hilarious insight to brighten up your day every Friday.   But i'm also going to be "real" with my readers whenever i can, and if that means admitting i'm in a $hitty mood or depressed about what's going on then that's what i'm going to do! 
But yeah enough of your nonsense, it's time to start the weekend!  i don't have time for anonymous pu$$ies who write stuff on my blog without being man or whore enough to admit who you are.  It's Friday, i got some money plans lined up and i'm in the best mood! :) So let's get to it already!

RANDOM NONSENSE

So i know it was a little while back but i hope everyone had a great St. Patrick's Day! 
If i'm being honest on why i'm in a better mood, a lot of it has to do with my boy Rob.  He's not only the funniest guy i know but he's also got a big heart.  i mean hard.  On.  No, he's an awesome guy and he's great at picking you up when you're down.  i mean going down on dudes.  Damnit!

Anyways, we have our annual "glamping" trip coming up and he wrote an email recently about our 11biggest camping miracles, NONE of them are appropriate for here (lots of gay stuff) .  And what he wrote for me as #1 was not only touching to my heart, but it touched my balls as well as my taint.  So without further Apu, here's the email that explains why i will now call myself.. The Heartbreak Kid Toucher

1) He's Not Human...He's Sub Human:
And the last miracle I can think of at Camping is the miracle of Miguel...and his subhuman drinking strength that seems to multiply each year. One year he does 13 shot guns in a row. Another year he drinks an entire bottle of vodka? One year he funnels himself to another planet and ends up doing the electric slide!  It's amazing to go camping every year and see how migs out performs us with ease. It's a miracle that nobody has died during camping yet...and it's a miracle how he continues to outperform like the show stopper. If HBK was Mr. WrestleMania...than Miguel Jose is Mr. Camping.
A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Cowinky Dinks" 

"Facebook Etiquette"-

Fast Food Tips - Baskin Robbins usually sells scoops of ice cream for like $2.79 each but on Tuesday the 31st they'll be selling them for $1.31.  i don't have time to make jokes for this bit i, just wanted to give you the heads up in case you love cheap ice cream.  Although where the hell is a Baskin Robbins?  i don't think i've been to one since 2003.  And i know i could probably just look it up and find out where one is on the interwebs but like i JUST told you i don't have time!
And that's it for me today kids!  Have a great weekend, make sure to watch Wrestlemania, and don't forget to watch The Walking Dead Season Finale because that shiznit is gonna be CRAZY!  And i'll see you kids next Friday for an all new blog! 

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter


Friday, March 20, 2015

Do what you have to do until you can do what you want to do - Oprah

THE BLOG ON THIS SNOWY FIRST DAY OF SPRING

What is up kids?

i'll tell you what's up, it's FINALLY Springtime!  Suck my balleens Jack Frost!  It's time to embrace Mother Natures warm breeze from under her skirt and feel it all over your face!  And boy does that air smell SWEET!

All disgusting analogies aside, it's about gddamn time it's Spring.  And i don't even care that it's colder then a witch's ariola right now, just the fact that it's Springtime and the possibility of warmer and brighter days are ahead are enough to make me feel better about life!  Finally we will see some flowers blooming and kids playing in the park again, and by playing in the park i of course mean they are playing on their iphones and ipads and whatever gadgets the kids are into these days.
 
Although speaking of parks, when i was a kid i used to live across the street from one.  Those of you familiar with my blog might recall this park as the same one my friend Sue so nicely named "Puke Park." Mostly because of my typical hangover ritual that i had where i would walk across the street when bombed and throw up over the railing so that i wouldn't have to clean it up in my bathroom. And instead, i would leave my insides out on the ground so that people walking their dogs would have a fun nutritious "treat" for man's best friend!
But this also made me remember that when i was really young i used to walk my dog Buddy at the park everyday.  And if there was one thing i didn't do with Buddy while walking him was to pick up his dog $hit.  Because back in the 80's and early 90's NOBODY picked up their dog's dog $hit! Well okay not nobody, but not most of us!  People are so used to these "Please Clean Up After Your Dog" signs in public that they don't realize the reason for those signs is because back in the day they didn't have them, and there was just dog $hit EVERYWHERE.  i used to play at that park regularly, and regularly i would step in a big steaming pile of $hit and have to wipe my sneaker off of the grass.  And it just occurred to me recently that most of my childhood was spent stepping in dog $hit and wiping it off of my sneakers.  And the fact that doesn't happen anymore is something i didn't realize made me so happy until now.
So it's with this dog $hit and slutty mother nature inspired rant that i would like to welcome you all to the Spring!  May it be filled with warmer weather then today, and parks that are filled with kids having fun on their phones but don't have $hit everywhere!  

RANDOM NONSENSE

- What is the point of the "small load" setting on a washing machine?  i'm either not doing laundry or i'm washing EVERYTHING that i own!
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - So we've known each other long enough now that i finally feel comfortable enough to admit this to all of you... but yes i pee in the shower.  Not once in awhile, i'm talking every single gddamn time i take a shower.  Can you people deal with that, or is that too gddamn disgusting of a truth?!?

"OMG miguel!  We always knew you were a dirty Mexican but now you are finally proving it!!!"  Am i though?  Am i really??  Because for real, i can't see anything wrong with it.  i'm in my own big soapy personal room filled with hot cleansing water that flushes everything down a drain.  What's the big f'n deal?  In fact, when i do pee in the toilet i sometimes get it on the seat and/or on the floor.  Mostly due to poor aim and being a LAZY, lazy man.  But when i pee in the shower none of it gets anywhere, except for being washed right down the drain covered in sweet smelling soap suds.  What is wrong with that exactly?  And i know there are two kinds of people reading this.  A few of you may actually be appalled and never look at me the same, but the rest of you are like "No f*cking $hit we pee in the shower!  It's the best place to do it!!"  And to those of you with that answer i consider you my friends.  My awesome, no pride having, pee smelling, drenched in yellow, urine covered friends!!!

"Facebook Etiquette"-
Fast Food Tips -  If you're like me you're a slightly overweight Hispanic who is hilariously funny and smart and great in bed and is scared of heights and doesn't speak Spanish.  But in addition to that you probably also love Chipotle, which is the one place that has a big beefy burrito that is almost as delicious as my very own personal beefy burrito!  And no, that's not sour cream!

Anyways, today's little tip is a great way to get more meat in your burrito at Chipotle, and that's by asking for half and half of two different meats instead of sticking to just one.  Because when you get one type of meat they'll put that in you burrito, but if you get TWO different types they will put 3/4's of each meat onto your order and then you're getting more delicious salty Mexican meat down your throat!  And when you think about it that's really the only goal any of you have in life, isn't it?
And that's it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a great week, and please feel free to share my hilarious blog with everyone you know!  Tell them to go to www.HereComestheMoney.net, as i just purchased this domain name for the year to make it easier to find, and because it's time to class up this place a bit.  And by classy i mean talking about not picking up dog $hit and peeing in the shower.

But have a great weekend, enjoy the Spring, and i'll see you all back here next Friday with an all new blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Friday, March 13, 2015

Cause growing up is awfuler, then all the awful things that ever were. i'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up. No sir. Not i. Not me - Peter Pan "i won't grow up"

THE BLOG WHERE MY LIFE IS STARTING TO GET PLAYED OUT


What is up kids?


Well i'll tell you what's not up lately, and that's the spirits of your oh so not humble narrator.  Which definitely sucks today, because for one it's a Friday and it's time to start the gddamn weekend!  But more importantly this is a comedy blog, and no one wants to see me cry or hear me whine about how much my pu$$y hurts.  Even though i got some sand deep inside there and it burns, it BURNS!
But for real, i've been pretty down lately and unfortunately it's because i've realized that there is a lot i'm not happy about with myself at the current moment.  And by current moment i just mean the last 30 years or so, and by not happy with myself i mean it's getting pretty old that i'm still just a big immature kid who refuses to grow up.  i mean that $hit wasn't cute back when i was doing it in my 20's, now that i'm almost 65 it's just straight up pathetic.  And what am i really fighting against?  Being more mature?  Settling down with the girl i love and raising a family?  Making enough money to take care of not just myself but the people i love?  Or how about just making any sort of plan for the future in general?  Although speaking of the future if you haven't seen part 2 of my "Back to the Future" review on YouTube you should watch it now!
All distractions aside, if i'm being honest i don't even get where any of this confusion is coming from anymore.  i mean know i need to make more money, and i know i love my girl and want to make her my wife and raise a little miguel jose Jr who is as obnoxious and sarcastic as i am.  And when i tell him to go to bed he goes "LATER DICKS!" and when he sees Kate Upton on the television he'll go "Baby Boo WHIP!" 
And i know that i want all of this and that i am finally ready for all of that stuff, i just feel like the thing inside me that used to be so against growing up is not understanding it's time to turn that off now and finally be a man.  And i mean don't get me wrong, it's been a FUN ride being an immature unemployed hungover deucing and puking bag of douche who has no real responsibilities for the last 4 decades.  But that $hit is played out, and i guess what i'm saying is that i'm finally admitting to myself that i'm ready for more.  And i've actually felt that way for awhile now, but i haven't admitted it on this blog yet so i guess that's what i'm doing now.


Although not for nothing, this is all just talk right now.  If i'm learning anything in my extremely old age it's that thoughts and words and intentions mean nothing, it's only what you do that matters.  In fact, it was the late Rachel Dawson who said it best: "It's not what you are underneath, but what you do that defines you."  So maybe i'll listen to that fantastic advice from Batman's ex-girlfriend and finally start to show everyone the man that i can be!  Or i maybe i'll just listen to the Joker and stay an immature ahole, who knows?

RANDOM NONSENSE


- So if you've noticed i haven't brought up the Hillary Clinton email "scandal" at all and i'll tell you now that i'm not going to.  Mostly because at the same time the media is all up in arms over this nothing story, Republicans in the Senate sent a letter to Iran undermining our President and are basically traitors in my eyes.  If you don't know the story President Obama is currently trying to set up some sort of Nuclear deal with Iran to get them to stop making nukes.  And i say "trying" because they haven't come up with an agreement yet, they are only talking about a deal.

But that hasn't stopped these 47 f*cking a$$hole Republican Senators from sending a letter to the heads in Iran saying that even if the President does make a deal with them that Congress would never approve it and that once President Obama isn't President anymore that the new President would just nullify any deal made anyway.  So basically these treasonous lowlife scumbags signed a letter to Iran pledging that they would undermine our President and made our country look like a bunch of unorganized hateful racist idiots who would do ANYTHING to go against our black President.  And their message was received loud and clear, because even the heads in Iran said that this was a completely bull$hit political move and it's an absolute joke that these f*ckers would protest a deal that hasn't even been made yet and to do so while undermining their own President!  
 
But somehow, no one wants to talk about any of this.  Instead, everyone wants to talk about Hillary Clinton's emails when she was Secretary of State because people are stupid and Republicans hate women and ESPECIALLY Hillary so that's all that they want to and will talk about.  And it's times like these that i really hate Democrats, because they are such weak a$$ pu$$ies that they can't even control the news cycle when our own Senators are committing TREASON.  Although i shouldn't be surprised, these were the same heartless a$$holes who let our former President start illegal wars based on lies and even more bull$hit.  How anyone can consider themselves a part of either party will always amaze me, although the biggest difference is that Democrats are just heartless pu$$ies.  Republicans hate minorities, women, the poor, our soldiers, and the health of our planet, and ALL of the laws they try to pass never show otherwise.  So i guess if you had to choose a side you could be a Democrat, but for real both these parties are terrible.  But Repubs are worse.
 
A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Bad Eggs"

This next bit is about words, and they are 4 words that touched my heart.  They are also the same words my friend Johnny Lats says about the hot school boy who lives across the street from him every day. And it's with these POWERFUL 4 words that i'd like to tell you about the next entry as The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME! and for once i don't have to explain how amazing this album is, you can just take a look for yourself.  But for once you should look AND touch, as today i bring to you Sandusky's personal favorite album, The Allister Quartet and "Let Me Touch Him"
Fast Food Tips- Now since i don't want to end on a totally disgusting note today here is some delicious news that will leave a totally disgusting note from your end, and a green one at that!  Because in honor of all those stubborn, thick skulled alcoholic Irish, for a limited time only Shamrock Shakes are available at McDonald's. These minty flavored delights are delicious and are only around when it's St. Patty's day so don't delay and make sure you get one while you can!
And let me throw you one more nugget of wisdom at you for today, and i mean that literally.  Because the next time you get super bombed, and then you order McDonald's late night and pass out in your own disgustingness, and then you wake up the next morning and take your "day after drinking all night" deuce,  if you look into the toilet and your deposit happens to be colored Green, do not panic! Because i know you see green poop and you want to call the hospital right away.  But don't forget you had that Shamrock Shake last night and that is the real reason your crap is green.  Probably.

And i know a lot of you think this is disgusting.  But this tip would have helped me out a LOT the other morning when i was calling an ambulance to come get me because i was "ill" and that green blood was coming out of my anus.   So if i help out just one person from this tip then gddamn it i consider my job done!

And speaking of my job being done, it's time to start the weekend kids!  So i hope everyone has a great one, try not to drink yourself to death on St. Patty's Day and if you make it through alive i'll cya all here next Friday with an all new blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Thanks to everyone who has started to follow me on Twitter!  And thanks to all of my brand new followers on my "Here Comes The Money... Facebook Page!

Friday, March 6, 2015

Nothing can prepare us for this end awaiting all, unfair fate has made it's call. Know the order's much too tall. Thought that i was ready but i will fall... - Penny Fiasco "Rainbow Bizarre"



THE BLOG WHERE i GO TO THE ORANGE LANTERN IN PARAMUS, NEW JERSEY TONIGHT TO WATCH "TOY CANON" ROCK IT UP!


What is up kids?

Well it's finally Friday, and tomorrow is my first day off after working 13 days in a row!  So as you probably guessed i plan on partying my f'n BALLEENS off tonight!  "Wow, you really worked 13 days straight?  Congratulations!  But you do realize you were unemployed for about 450 days in a row, right?  Maybe when you make up for that you can start bragging about FINALLY working just as hard as everyone else."  Alright first of all, everything you just said was true.  But in my defense i was looking for work that whole time and i just couldn't find anything, it wasn't my fault!
And oh yeah second of all, suck my balleens!  And third of all, you're missing the bigger point.  And that point is that it's Friday, i don't got no job tomorrow, and it's time to get $hitty tonight OLD SCHOOL STYLE!  And by "Old School" i mean not passing out on my couch at 9:30 pm on a Friday night and actually seeing Midnight for once in my pathetic grown up life.  Some come out and join me at the Orange Lantern for a one night only special celebration for me, because next week i'm going back to my normal Friday nights!



RANDOM NONSENSE

To everyone that is patiently waiting for a new season of "VHS Breakdown" i PROMISE you there is one coming!  But for real, this show was a lot easier to do when Rob and i were both unemployed bags of douche who lived closer to each other.  This whole having real jobs nonsense is REALLY eating into our let's make a show for no reason time and trust me, i'm not happy about it either!
What i am happy about is the fact that VHS Breakdown Season DOS is now being shown on YouTube for the first time ever, and what makes this next episode so special is that it's my all time personal favorite one that we filmed, the John Carpenter 80's classic "They Live."  See if you can tell how not sober i was the entire show!
A Great Name for a Punk Band! "Third Degree"

So if you've learned anything by reading my blog all of these years and hopefully you haven't, it should be the fact that i love gay men.  No, not the way you're thinking.  i mean i want to have sex with them ! And it's in that (penis) vein of thought that i want to show you all the next entry into The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME! and it's one that may be a bit controversial.  Because not every man is able to admit that he has wondered what a slimy, salty python would actually feel like on their taste buds, no matter how much they would deny it to their friends or wives or girlfriends or my parents. 

But it's time to grown up and get over these ignorant homophobic feelings, and i can't think of a better way then to try "A Taste of Dick Black" by Dick Black and his band!
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE- i think it's bull$hit that people who have kids get to call out of work or leave work early all the time. "Boo Hoo my kid is sick!  i need to leave and take care of them and then call out the next few days! And who knows when i'll be back!"  Oh yeah?  Go f yourself!  It's not fair that because of your poor life decisions i have to do extra work while you go home and take care of your "sick" kid.  You should have probably though of that before you brought that unhealthy bundle of nonsense into the world.  So either get a full-time sitter or nanny or just quit your job because you obviously can't do both.

And no manager in a corporation ever argues that "sick kid" excuse.  It's just like "You have a sick kid? i'm so sorry to hear that, Cya later and take all of the time you need!"  F that, it's f'n horse$hit that this is allowed!  You spread your legs and shoot out a sickly baby and have to go home to take care of it and that's fine, but if i call out of work because i did a Cabo Wabo power hour and then ate Taco Bell afterwards and became a $hitting and puking erupting disaster on the toilet bowl and everyone looks down on ME like i'M the a$$hole?  F you, you judging jerk offs!  Either it's okay for both of us  to leave work early or it's not okay for either of us.  What's fair is fair!

Oh and by the way, my "baby" is lonely and not feeling well and needs my attention immediately.  And by "baby" i mean my beer pong table.  So yeah i gotta bounce, Daddy needs to take care of his baby with a 30 pack of Natty Light just like the doctor ordered.  And oh yeah,  LATER DICKS!
Fast Food FACTS Did anyone even remember that i do Fast Food Facts? Probably not, but oh well you're gonna get one shoved down your nugget loving throat today.  "Nugget Loving" being my old nickname in high school of course
Anyways, if you remember in an earlier blog i told you all about how fast food places are selling chicken nuggets for MAD cheap these days. Between Burger King selling 10 nuggets for $1.49 and McDonalds selling 20 nuggets for $5 these "restaurants" are practically giving away this excuse to eat different sauces!  Although in McDonalds case that's not all you're getting, because apparently they just had to recall over a million mcnuggets because one customer in Japan found blue plastic in their "chicken" while another found pieces of vinyl.   Which would be great if you wanted to make cheap crappy windows, but if all you wanted was the McPleausure of eating delicious McNuggets to solve your McHunger without McDying you are McShit out of McLuck!
And that's it for me today kids!  i hope to see you all tonight at the Orange Lantern, but more importantly i hope you all laughed at and enjoyed today's blog so much that you share it with everyone you know to help make their days better.  Plus this way i can get rich and famous and do things like this blog and my show full time and then i'd be the happiest person ever!  But even if not i'm still pretty gddamn happy, so have a great weekend and an even better week and i'll cya here next Friday for an all new blog.  Or maybe i'll even cya and party with you tonight at the OL!

Friday, February 27, 2015

I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I do not believe that the president loves America. He doesn't love you. And he doesn't love me. He wasn't brought up the way you were brought up and I was brought up through love of this country. - Former NY Mayor Rudolph Giuliani

THE BLOG ABOUT RACIST RUDY

What is up kids?

Now was that an inspiring quote to start off today's blog or what?  Nothing like supreme ignorance and a Fox News type mentality to start off your weekend. Especially from a Mayor who witnessed one of the worst attacks on this country of all time first hand and who should know better then to say such uncivil and terrible rhetoric.  Although i guess i wouldn't say 9/11 was the worst attack of all time, because the 1%'s attack on everyone who isn't a billionaire is probably the worst.  Or the Republican parties OBSESSION with denying a woman the right to make decisions on her own body, that attack is pretty horrific too.  And that slavery thing our Founding Fathers used to "participate" in wasn't one of our country's highlights either... 

But i digress, because today we are talking about the insane comments of New York's former mayor Rudolph Giuliani, someone you would think would act with a little more class and intelligence but apparently dirty politics wins over any semblance of human decency when it comes to out black President.  And that's not to say that people don't normally bash whoever's President, i'm just saying this particular type of bashing is racist as F*CK and would never be said about a white president.

i mean look at George W. Bush.  He is easily one of our worst presidents of all time, yet even with all of the criticism he received no one ever said that he doesn't love America.  i mean he was called an idiot, moron, dumb a$$, war mongerer, a$$hole, a complete failure at life and an illiterate bag of douche, but no one ever thought he didn't love America.  We just all thought that W was a completely unqualified to be President of a baseball team let alone the country, and we bashed him for all of his terrible moves accordingly
But this saying Obama doesn't love America rhetoric is clearly just because certain people will never accept our black President, and to think otherwise is just foolish.  Again, i'm not saying making fun of or criticising our President is the thing that's racist!  It's the saying that he doesn't love America and that the he wasn't brought up the way you and i were brought up bullshit that is ignorant and racist and should be openly called out by the other members of his party.  But instead, of you have other people in the party like that dumb piece of $hit like Indiana Governor Bobby Jindal saying that he agrees with what Rudy said.  Which is funny because he's an Indian, and if Bobby Jindal actually knew what the racist members of his Conservative party thought about his minority ass he might not be so quick to join in their racist games.  Or who knows, maybe he would because there's a lot of dumb racist aholes in this country and there always will be.  Oh well, on to the nonsense! 

RANDOM NONSENSE

ONE WEEK FROM TODAY i hope that any of you that are in the North Jersey area who can make it will come out to the Orange Lantern bar in Paramus, NJ to see "Toy Canon."  They are a FANTASTIC rock cover band that plays hits from every decade!  And yeah Rob is the also the bass player, but that doesn't matter because i'm not asking you to go watch him.  He's easily the least talented member that they have!  

But combined they are the MONEY, and if you're into cheap booze and awesome live music and more importantly hanging out with me then you should definitely come out and say hi next Friday March 6th at the Orange Lantern!  DO IT!


A Great Name for a Punk Band!  "Dollars to Donuts"  

On my last blog i kinda went off on the whole "Lent" nonsense, especially the part about it being ridiculous to be judged for you faith by what your diet consists of.  And if i offended anyone i'm sorry, although i'm not sorry as in i didn't mean everything i said.  i just mean that i write this blog to make people laugh as well as think, and i know some of you are sensitive Sally's anytime anyone brings up religion.  So if jokes about God aren't your cup of tea well i apologize because it's really not my intention to exclude you from my weekly ha ha's. 
So to make up for my blasphemous behavior today, i'd like to pay tribute to one of The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME! and it's one that should make all of you God fearing people smile ear to ear.  Because there are 3 special ladies who love Jesus more then most, so much so that they offer both their spirit and their bodies to their Lord and savior through the magic of song.  And it is with this wonderful compilation that i present to you The Faith Tones and their album, "Jesus Use Me."  Which is a phrase that our very own Jay John and Johnny Lats use every single day!
Fast Food Tips -  So i'm sure you've seen the commercials for this next item lately, and if you're like me just the thought of shoving all of this meat down your disgusting throat gets the front of your pants soaking wet.  

Mmmmm, doesn't that look delicious?  i can already tell you're going from 6 to 12 in your pants just looking at this picture!  But if any of you recall this isn't the first time i'm writing about Taco Bell's Triple Steak Stack, and for those of you who are smart enough to listen to my advice you will remember to NEVER order this item!  i mean quality meat is not Taco Bell's strong point, so to think that they all of sudden figured out how to make delicious low quality cheap steak then you're out of your mind.  This sloppy soggy disaster will have you running for the border and the emergency room while making several murderous bathroom stops on the way.  So ignore the commercials, ignore this awful sandwich, and make sure to send a thank you from you stomach and butt hole to me later!

And that's it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a great week, i hope everyone agrees that the gddamn dress was white and gold and i'll cya all here next Friday with an all new blog!

Cya Friday, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Friday, February 20, 2015

I want you to know, when it comes to believing in god, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a god who created each one of us in his own image and likeness, loves us very much and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize...something is F*CKED-UP. Something is WRONG here. - George Carlin "You Are All Diseased"

War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is NOT good work. If this is the best god can do, I am NOT impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kind of $hit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently run universe, this guy would have been out on his all-powerful-ass a long time ago. - George Carlin from "You Are All Diseased"

THE BLOG ABOUT EATING MEAT AND GIVING UP NOTHING DURING LENT

What is up kids?

Well by the disgusting dirty thumbprints on everyone's head lately i'm guessing that Ash Wednesday started this week.  Either that or i can expect a return of the Chapelle show very soon!
And to be honest i have mixed emotions about this "holiday." Because while i do think it's a good thing that people give up something to try and better themselves, i also think that getting made to feel guilty to the point of having to give up something in order to pay for your "sins" is downright ridiculous. 
Doesn't it seem like we deal with enough awfulness each and every day that we shouldn't have to put ourselves through such a self punishing act?  i don't know how religion does it but they do a great job of making people feel like they aren't good enough and that we actually deserve to put ourselves through self imposed pain and suffering.  i mean for real, what's with this not eating meat stuff?  Why does my diet come into account when figuring out if i'm a good person or not?  It never made sense to me.

However, if you are one of those people who don't eat meat during lent well you're in luck.  Because all the Fast Food restaurants are very well aware of this fact, which is why ALL fast food chains are offering disgusting fish specials so you can still eat unhealthy and worship god at the same time.  It's win win!  Enjoy the next 40 days everyone! 


RANDOM NONSENSE

 - So i feel like i make fun of white people a lot on this blog, and if i'm being honest i'm not always "joking."  i mean argue if you wish, but there are a decent amount of white people that are lame crackers that have no rhythm, can't dance, and they smell like wet dog when they come in from the rain.

This following artist breaks these molds however, as he proves that it's not the color of your skin that determines just how "funky" you are but what you do in that pasty white skin.  So without further Apu, i'm very happy to show to you one of  The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME! by the man who taught George Clinton about funk,  Tom Pease and "Boogie! Boogie! Boogie!"
 "OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE -  So can i tell a quick awful story that i've never told anyone before? Except for the time i previously wrote this on my blog of course.  Oh, who am i kidding, of course i can,!  It's my gddamn blog!  

Anyways, when i was a Sophomore at Ramapo college (my last actual semester at that school before i kinda got kicked out) i lived in a dorm with my roommate Billy and we shared a bathroom with two other random dudes that we never saw and didn't know.  But the worst thing about sharing this bathroom was that there was ALWAYS pubes all over our toilet bowl every time we went in our bathroom.  And it was HORRIFIC! How dare these aholes be so f'n repugnant right?

So we did what any passive aggressive aholes would do, we left a note saying "Hey jerkoffs!  Stop leaving your disgusting sweaty hairy pubes all over the bathroom every time you use it you gross f*cks!"  Which totally solved the problem, right?  WRONG!  Because imagine our surprise when the kid left us his own personal note where he said, "Look, i'm sorry for the mess in the bathroom.  i am going through Chemo right now and i'm losing more of my hair then i expected to..." So yeah that happened to me in my life.  Man i'm an ahole!  Way to go you sophomoric bag of douche.

A Great Name for a Punk Band!- "The Doggone Its"

Fast Food Tips -  If you kids remember, i recently told you about how KFC has created the new fast food item of the decade with it's KFC Double Dog, a horrific monstrosity created by putting a cheese covered hot dog in a bun made of fried chicken instead of bread.  And i know a lot of you became very excited when i told you about this fast food tip, so much so that when you heard about the Double Dog the front of your pants became finger lickin' good!
But in an effort to put that final nail in your extremely obese coffin as well as send all of you Lent following Catholics straight to hell, i have another contender for Greatest New Fast Food Item of the Decade.  And that "food" is the Little Caesars "Bacon Wrapped Deep Dish pizza." Which is their regular deep dish pepperoni pizza that now contains 3 feet of bacon wrapped around the crust, with even more bacon sprinkled on top!  Pizza pizza?  More like bacon bacon!
Terrible jokes aside, a SINGLE slice of this pizza contains 25 grams of fat and 450 calories which means when i order one and eat an entire pie by myself i will also be able to use that greasy disgusting pizza box as my tombstone.  This pizza pretty much proves everything that is wrong with this country, and i can't wait to be a true American and shove this obnoxiously delicious monster down my stupid throat until i have a heart attack and die.  U S and A!  U S and A!
And that's it for me today kids!  i hope you all have a great weekend, and i hope you are all digging this one blog a week pace i'm at now because it is SO much better for me.  And if it's not you can always go back and read my old ones because Lord knows i've written enough of these hilarious masterpieces!

But yeah i hope you party it all up, enjoy the EXTREMELY white Oscars on Sunday and i'll see you kids here next Friday with an all new blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter