Friday, April 24, 2015

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day? - George Carlin


What is up kids?

i'll tell you what's up, the weekend is finally here but in my head i already feel like it's over because i have SO much to try and do in so little time.  For real, is it just me or is there just not enough time in the day to get everything you want done?  And by "in the day" i mean time in this LIFE because Jesus Christmas i just ain't got time to get anything done anymore!
And it definitely wasn't always this way.  When you are young the time can't go by quick enough!  Whether you're in school and it feels like it takes FOREVER before you get to your summer break.  Or when you're 15 years old and have to wait until you're 16 to get your driving permit and it feels like all of your friends are driving to cool places everyday and you can never meet up with them.  Or even worse, when you're 20 years old and all of your friends are 21 and you can't get into any bars and you feel like you're missing out on EVERYTHING!
But then once you hit your mid to late 20's everything starts flying by SO f'n fast!  And forget about hitting 30, once you're in your 30's the years fly by faster then bullets at an unarmed black kid from a racist cops' gun.  YEARS can go by like it's nothing, and a thought like "hey i should call Chuck and Jewell and see if they are down to meet up for a happy hour" turns into "holy $hitballs i haven't seen Chuck and Jewell since LOST was still on television!"
And it's so crazy, because you just don't realize how much time has gone by until you really stop and think about it.  i mean i have friends who i probably haven't spoken to in 4 years, but to me it doesn't seem like that long ago.  But when i put that in perspective with something like high school, was there anything that took longer then spending those 4 years trying to graduate?  The difference between who you were as a person as a graduating senior and an incoming freshmen is WORLDS apart, those 4 years might have been the longest and most trying times in your life.  But when i think about how 4 years ago from today it was 2011, that literally seems like it was yesterday!  Hell, i feel like it was only a hot minute ago that i was in high school and Nirvana and Pearl Jam were new on the radio and there was no such thing as cell phones or the internet!  Although i was also 80 pounds lighter, and that feels like it was a MILLION years ago...
But there is a way to fix all of this and make time go by slower so that you can enjoy life and still get things done. And the funny thing is it's actually not that hard to do.   And ever since i've been trying this new "technique" it has made a huge difference for me and it's made my life SO much better and easier.  And it is my hope that by letting you all know what it is that you too can find more time to spend with loved ones and to have fun, and if you listen to me i truly believe it will greatly improve your life.  And the crazy thing is that it's so simple that you'll be kicking yourself for not thinking of it sooner!  But the key to making every second in your life count for something is... wait, what time is it?  Damn i have to get the nonsense already, maybe i'll tell you all what to do next blog.  If i have time!!!


- Here's a random fact that i know none of you know about me.  For some reason i can't explain, i really dig water fountains.  And no i don't mean public fountains with nice statues of beautiful flowing water, i'm talking about the disgusting germ filled old school ones that  we used to use in grade school.  i don't know why this is but i don't care, i'm the biggest fan of them! 
 And yes i realize the fact that every dirty and disgusting human being or animal on the planet has wrapped their unwashed lips all over the faucet with their horrific dog food breath and unbrushed teeth.  However once you get past that you will realize that if you are parched and you need some free water there is nothing that beats a water fountain!  Especially one with cold water that has decent pressure so you don't have to put your lips on it and make out with every person in history that has ever taken a drink from it.  Somehow i am able to block all of that out and just enjoy free water which surprisingly is quite the privilege these days.  And yeah i may end up getting mouth herpes, but at least i'm not spending $10 a bottle for germ free Fuji!
- So i've learned a view things about women in the 74 years that i've been on this Earth.  One is NEVER tell a woman she looks tired, because you might as well just tell her, "hey, you look like $HIT today!"  Because i'll tell you right now if what you're telling a girl isn't a compliment then it's an insult, there is NO in between!  In addition i've also learned that girls are ALWAYS cold and that chicken fingers is the one universal meal that all women are allowed to order when going out without being judged by each other.
But i can finally add another item to this list, and that's that women HATE wearing khaki pants.  Maybe it's the boring color, maybe it's because they do not accentuate any of a woman's best attributes at all, maybe it's because it makes their ass look flat, and most likely it's a combination of all of the reasons listed above.  But women hate wearing khaki pants, so if you're an employer and you are hiring women you should do everything you can to avoid making them wear these God awful things and just let them wear black pants.  Because women definitely love wearing black pants!
Fast Food Tips - If you love pretzels and you love free stuff then this is the fast food tip you need in your life!  This Sunday is "National Pretzel day," and while this may have been the stupidest fake holiday i've ever heard of in my life i'm not going to argue with free pretzels.  The first place to go to Wetzels pretzels, where all you have to do is walk into a store on Sunday April 26th and say "My name is ____ Wetzel, and I want my pretzel!" So go do that on Sunday!
Now if you're too embarrassed to do this silly nonsense just to get a free pretzel i don't blame you, but you can also go to Auntie Anne's Pretzels and download their app and register for a free Original or Cinnamon Sugar Pretzel all weekend from April 24th to 26th.  Cinnamon Sugar being not only my favorite kind of pretzel from Auntie Anne, but also my nickname in college.  So enjoy the free sugar carbs people!  i know the pounds that you will gain will thank me!
And that's it for me today kids!  If you missed my special 4/20 on 4/21 blog that came out on Tuesday you should go back and read it now because it's hilarious.  Or if you read it while celebrating 4/20 you should go and read it again because you probably forgot all of it by now anyway.

And i'll see you all here next Friday with an all new blog, but before i go i have EXCLUSIVE footage from the highly anticipated Bruce Jenner interview that no one else has seen!  It's a very touching part of the interview that may not make it on to television, but lucky for you i was able to get a copy of it!  This shows a very emotional Bruce Jenner saying a fond farewell to his magnificent penis, and there were only two words he could muster when saying his final goodbye to this "member" of the Jenner family....

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Excuse me while i light my spliff; Good God, i gotta take a lift. From reality i just can't drift; That why i'm staying with this riff. - Bob Marely "Easy Skanking"


What is up kids?

i'll tell you what's not up, and that's most of my readers who are still sleeping after celebrating yesterday's holiday.  Did you all decide to join in that fantastic annual tradition?  Because when it comes to 4/20 there are 3 kinds of people. The kind that judges everyone else for partaking in it, the kind that uses yesterday to pretend that they are still in college and enjoy one of life's best gifts once again even if it's only for a single day.  And then there are people who don't let society dictate what they are allowed to do in this world, and who realize that with all of the pain and suffering that goes on that we shouldn't deny ourselves one of it's greatest pleasures.  And those people don't need a special "holiday" to make love to sweet Mary Jane, they already do so everyday and to them yesterday was just "Monday."
And as far as me personally?   i'm a little nervous to admit this on my blog because i never know who is reading this.  But if i had to choose what kind of person i am when it comes to yesterday's holiday it's the kind that would re-post his rant from his first ever 4/20 blog back in 2011, which was only my 14th blog that i ever wrote!  So enjoy this special bong blast from the past, and before you complain that today isn't "technically" an all new blog just admit that you were high when you read this originally and don't remember it anyway!

What is up stoners?

What a special holiday it is today!  No i don't mean Hitlers' birthday, MAN my readers are racist!  And no i don't mean Easter or Passover. Although speaking of Passover, isn't this the depressing Jewish holiday where Jews have to fast, aren't allowed to  use electricity and/or do anything at all?  Oh wait that's EVERY Jewish holiday...
But that's right it's 4:20 kids, and if you do not know what today is chances are we've never hung out before.  Today is the day where potheads from all over smoke morning, day and night, or as they call it "business as usual".  Now there are a thousand explanations on where the origin of 4:20 came from, and according to Wikipedia the real reason comes from the teenagers in California called the "Waldo's" who came up with a plan to search for an abandoned Cannabis Crop that they had learned about.  And since this was on Wikipedia i have to assume this is 100% accurate.  But really, does anyone care what the origin is?  All that matters is today is a day to celebrate weed, and that is definitely a celebration worth having.
I know what some of you are asking.  Is it possible that i, miguel josé, have tried the pot before?  All i will say is there are so many amendments, in the Constitution, of the United States of America, i can only choose one... And i plead the fif!   I plead the fizz-if!  1,2,3,4 FIF!  Oh Chappelle, we all miss your show.  Thank God Tosh came in to fill that void.  But i can admit i tried it back in college, so when i talk about it in this blog i will do my best to try and remember my past experiences and speak about it like i know something about the subject.  Although that may be tough because all my college memories are in a cloudy haze for some reason....
For real Jewell?
Should marijuana be legal?  i think most rational people would say yes, although to be honest this debate really isn't worth having.  Because i don't really care that it's illegal, it's not like that really stops people from getting it.  i think my bigger problem is the social stigma that goes along with people who smoke weed.  i know a ton of people who have zero problems with alcohol, yet they would never speak to you again if they found out you smoked weed.  Really?  Do you realize how much worse alcohol is for you then weed?  Of course they don't, they don't put any actual thought on the subject.  They just figure if alcohol is legal and marijuana isn't then marijuana must be wrong.  They are obedient society members doing whatever they are told.  Man i'm glad that is not my mindset on life.

Weed kills your motivation, makes you forgetful, increases paranoia, gives you the munchies, and it makes you forgetful.  Those are pretty much all the negatives when it comes to weed.  i mean yeah there is telling the same stories over and over again, and it gets you into $hitty music, because if you ever tried to listen to band PHISH sober you realize one thing and that's man this is just nonsense noise they are playing.  But even compared to "legal" drugs like alcohol and cigarettes these side effects seem pretty tame.

Seth Rogen said it best when he said weed just makes everything better.  It makes food taste better, it makes music sound better, it makes funny things funnier, it makes sex feel better and it even makes food taste better.  And for real weed is just fantastic, and i'm glad there is a day like today to celebrate it's greatness because if anything deserves a holiday it is Mary Jane.
So be against weed, people who are no fun and don't want to expand their minds. And also keep looking down on other people for doing so.  The rest of us (well not me but potheads) will keep on blazin and we will keep smoking no matter what.  We will smoke two joints in the morning, we'll smoke two joints at night.  We'll smoke two joints in the afternoon, it makes me feel alright.  We'll smoke two joints in time of peace, and two in time of war.  We'll smoke two joints before we smoke two joins, and then we'll smoke two more....

Happy 4:20 everyone!!!

Oh and just for the record, if you see me today and my eyes are bloodshot it is because my allergies are KILLING me!


" i have never seen two people on pot get into a fight.  Because it's IMPOSSIBLE!  "Hey buddy!" Hey, what?"  "Ummmmmmmmmmm..." END OF ARGUMENT. - Bill Hicks

Miguel's "420" Money Movie Review - So for my money the best movies about weed are "Half Baked,""Pineapple Express,""Grandma's Boy,""Friday"(of course), and the ultra cool documentary "Super High Me" by Doug Benson.  Have you ever heard of that movie?  It's like the documentary "Supersize Me" where the guy eats fast food for 30 days straight, but instead this guy films himself smoking weed every day for a month.  They do all these medical tests and stuff, it's really cool.
But "Friday" would definitely be the money movie to watch today, because for real it's always more fun to watch that movie on a Friday.  But "Half Baked" is  also fantastic, and it has Dave Chappelle years before he got mega famous and went nuts or whatever happened with him.  And if you've never seen "Pineapple Express" but you enjoy smoking that sticky icky you should definitely check it out!  It's basically Die Hard for stoners .  And oh yeah f*ck "127 Hours," James Franco should have won the academy award for his incredible performance as a drug dealer in this film.

So if you're sitting at home right now celebrating the holiday and you are too lazy to think of a movie to watch, i just gave a bunch of the moneyest ones for 4/20.  You are welcome!
Oh wait, how could i forget Kohl's favorite film about weed? Although that kid is mad lame and doesn't smoke.  "Whoo hoo i like to stay motivated and i'm an adult!"  What guy draws comic strips and doesn't smoke weed?  You're lucky you like alcohol so much or i would just beat you up.  Anyways, i'm ruining this joke but one other film that i forgot to mention is a chilling horror film that is great for 4/20!  It's about a mad scientist who surgically attaches his victims from mouth to butt hole in an attempt to make the biggest bong EVER!  i'm talking of course, of the "Human Smokipede!"
i call front middle!
- "Why is Marijuana against the law?  It grows naturally upon our planet.  Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit... unnatural?" - Bill Hicks

- Speaking of Doug Benson, here's a "High-Ku" for poetry month.  You can find more of these and other f'n hilarious stuff in the book "The Marijuana-Logues" by Doug Benson, Arj Barker and Tony Camin.
The bowl is well packed
But there is just one problem
No one has a light

"MOMbook posters"- i seriously doubt that there are any moms out there that are awesome enough to do this.  But if you are out there just know i think you are the coolest mom ever!!
"i've had good times on drugs.  That's a fact.  i've had bad times on drugs too, okay?  But i've had good and bad relationships and i'm not giving up pu$$y"  - Bill Hicks

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - What is the point of plain M&M's?  Who buys those?  Let's see, i can have yummy chocolate wrapped around a fantastic peanut in a hard candy shell, OR i can have just the chocolate and no delicious peanut with it.  Cause yeah that choice makes sense.  There's a sandwich place in Dumont called "Denaros" that has the BEST bread of any sandwich place i've ever been to in my life.  But as much as i love their bread, if i had to choose between just eating the bread OR eating the bread with a sandwich of delicious cold cuts inside i'm gonna go with the bread and sammich please!   And oh yeah, don't give me that whole peanut allergy excuse, "Boo hoo peanuts might kill me!"  Grow up already
i stay higher then Giraffe pu$$y.  - My boy Rob H.

Alright fine, he didn't come up with that quote.  But we don't dig the guy who originally came up with it nor do we think he was the first to come up with it either. And it's with that logic that i'm crediting this quote to Rob because he's the first person that i've heard said it and since that's all that matters he gets the credit.  Nice quote Rob! 

And alright that's it for me today kids!  i hope everyone enjoyed this special day after 4/20 blog, and if not well that i blame you not smoking enough.  But have a great rest of the week and i'll see you kids on Friday for an all new blog!  

"Not all drugs are good.  Some of them are GREAT."  - Bill Hicks

Friday, April 17, 2015

Children are not our future, and i can prove this with my usual flawless logic. Children can't be our future because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children. So BLOW ME! - George Carlin


What is up kids? 

So before we get to how awesome it is that it's finally Friday and the weekend is about to start, i'd like to talk about a story that has been blowing up social media lately that happened to catch my sweet little brown eye.  i mean eyes.  It's a story about Jade, the lovely new mother in the picture with her beautiful baby girl Addy!  An image so precious, that Jade apparently had to post nonstop pictures of her baby on her Facebook page!  And when i say nonstop, i mean she posted pictures of her child until she received a not so nice anonymous letter from someone who was apparently getting tired of seeing all of these baby pictures...
And i know most of you are going to think i'm probably going to side with this anonymous person who wrote this letter to a probably very annoying mom.  But you know what?  You're 100% right!  i AM going to side with the coward that wrote this letter.  i mean yeah it was a bitch move to not attach her name to the letter, because we all know only little coward pu$$y ass bitches make anonymous comments instead of just admitting who they are.  You know, the kind of low life scumbags who try to post comments on blogs making fun of me, even though all they do is prove that they are obviously INFATUATED with me and read my blog every week.  A thing that is only made funnier by the fact that i could give less of a $hit about you, and it only shows how pathetic you are that you care so much about me when i don't lose a second of sleep about what an annoying little loser you must be.  Because we all know that haters only hate the things they cannot have and the people they cannot be.
BUT, i do realize that i post a blog online, and by opening myself up to the internet world that means i allow douchebag cowards to write and post whatever they want on my page. It comes with the territory, as does posting pictures of your baby online.  So while i do think it's okay that some dumb ass felt the need to write this anonymous letter to this mom, i also think it's totally fine for this mom to post as many gddamn pics of her kid that she wants.  It's a free country everyone!  You can post whatever you want online to your hearts content, and people are free to either ignore it or post rude comments and send angry letters if they want as well. This isn't a black and white issue where only one side is right, both the mom and the woman who wrote the letter have the right in this country to be as annoying as they want.  And we are all fine with free speech until someone says something about us that we don't like, but unfortunately that's the price of freedom that we have to pay. 
So should the person who wrote this man up and admit who they are?  Sure, that would be the opposite of what a coward does.  But she doesn't have too.  And should this mom realize that child worship is not healthy and that maybe people don't give a f*ck about her kid as much as she does?  Yes, she probably should.  But that she doesn't have to.  So i say embrace our freedoms and realize that while you have the right to publicly post things on the internet, people also have the right to be anonymous little bitches about it.  And this is coming from someone who has his own #1 fan that is straight up obsessed with me.  But don't worry my dickless stalker, i'll keep writing blogs and you can keep reading  them IMMEDIATELY after i put them up and you can keep posting your dumb personal anonymous comments that i never put up.  To be honest i'm just happy that at least one person reads every single word i write!  Even if they are a big sweaty frightened vagina who is such a loser that they anonymously stalk people who could care less about them on the interwebs!
And by the way, maybe if this woman read my blog as much as my own personal nutbag stalker does she would have realized what she was doing earlier!  And oh yeah, thanks to Kelly Marie for posting this story on Facebook so that i could make fun of it today! :)
"MOMbook posters"-


- If we've learned anything at all this week and trust me i did my best not to, it's that not everyone on the New England Patriots gets away with cheating.  i say this as former fantasy tight end dream Aaron Hernandez was convicted of 1st degree murder and is being sent to jail for life without parole.  It's hard to blame him for thinking he would get away with it though, i mean the Patriots have at least 3 Superbowls under their belt by using the old Eddie Guerro technique of "Cheat to Win."  Which apparently works great against everyone that isn't Eli Manning and the New York Giants.  But hey, at least the next Madden game is going to be real exciting! 
In all seriousness though, it is nice that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is FINALLY doing the right thing in dealing with all of these horrible stories that have been going on in his league.  He should be commended for finally taking an action that we all feel is appropriate! 
- So sometimes, for no reason at all, i end up having glitter on me.  And this isn't some dumb bit that i'm making up, or a story that i'm creating just to get some cheap ha-ha's.  It's just that sometimes, while i'm at home, i'll just randomly have gddamn glitter on me.  Not a lot,  i mean it doesn't look like i just got glitter bombed by a stripper's booty or anything.  Although that would at least make sense and then i'd have an excuse on where it came from.  Instead, i just occasionally have a couple of specs of glitter on my head which i never realize until my girlfriend tells me. 
And at this point i'm just angry about it because for real, where the f*ck is all of this glitter coming from???  And we're not talking about this last month, i mean for the last 5 years or so this just keeps just happening.  Is it in my car?  It is on my desk at work?  Do i sleepwalk and have a secret life Tyler Durden style and become a stripper at night and go by the name "Brown Sugar" on stage and then i try to shower it off before the real miguel wakes up the next day and goes to work to find glitter all over him?  And again, there's really no point to this bit other then to say where does all this gddamn glitter come from?!?!  Someone help me please!
- So has everyone been digging this BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME! bit so far?  i sure hope so.  Not just because it's hilarious because obviously it is.  But mainly it's because all i have to do is google "Worst Album Covers of All Time," pick a funny one and the bit is done!  It's win win for everyone!  And by everyone i mean laziness.  But anyways, the album cover that started this all and also the one that is currently my background theme on my work computer is Joyce, so no matter how many of these i do there is NO album cover that will ever overtake the one featuring Joyce as The BEST Album Cover of ALL TIME!   
Or at least that's what i thought, because Germany has decided to try and overthrow a leader once again with their own version of this cover with a beautiful woman who if i'm not mistaken is also the mother of our very own contributor in the comment section of my blog, Johnny Lats.  This woman is at least equally as pretty, but not only that she said f*ck it why not have a bunch of roses instead of just one!  Which album cover is actually the best?  i'll let my readers decide!
And that's it for me today kids!  i hope everyone enjoyed this blog, and as a SPECIAL treat to all of my readers i'll have a brand new blog up this Tuesday as my special post 4/20 blog!  If you don't know why i'm doing a blog for 4/20 i suggest that you ask someone cool and/or look it up on the internet.  And try to do so on your work computer so that your bosses realize that you're trying to learn more about this classic and traditional American holiday.

But have a great weekend and i'll see you kids on Tuesday for an all new special blog!

Cya TUESDAY! @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Friday, April 10, 2015

If you can't pull an all nighter you don't get all nighter memories - Joe Rogan


What is up kids?

So is everyone ready for the weekend?!?  i know i sure am, but i'm a little disappointed it's not last weekend again.  i mean last weekend it was Easter, i was in Cape Cod with my girl and my family and my niece and nephews, eating insanely good seafood and large dinners and hugemongous breakfasts left and right, all followed up with the only 3 days off in a row i've had this year!  What an Easter weekend!
But yeah that was last week, and this weekend i just don't have any crazy plans.  i mean i won't lie they are still pretty awesome, and by awesome i mean as soon as i get home tonight i'm going to order a meatball and onion pizza for myself and try to eat the entire thing during a solo Game of Thrones marathon with out wearing any pants.  So yeah, i guess i do have crazy plans!
And don't let my insane party filled weekend discourage you from doing something fun this weekend. Make sure you go to a happy hour after work today!  Don't do your normal just driving home and getting dinner and then sitting on the couch and feeling comfy until you pass out before 9 pm even though tomorrow is the first day you're allowed to sleep in all week.  Get that drink with your friends! Grab some food at the place you both keep talking about trying and have never been to before!  Go to that bar to see that 80's cover band that plays all of that Poison and Motley Crue music that you like!  And when it gets mad late and you realize that you would have had WAY more fun just relaxing and chilling on your couch doing nothing then you'll have me to thank!  You're welcome in advance!


- So my worst nightmares have come true.  The New York Rangers have won the division and the Presidents cup, they spank the New Jersey Devils in every building that they play them in and they're probably going to win the Stanley Cup this year.  It's like a tidal wave of awfulness and i'm sitting on the beach with a front row seat of the disaster that is going to crash down and wipe my soul off of this planet for good.
And being that i've bashed them mercilessly on this blog i feel that it's only fair that i stop staying things like they've only won one cup since 1940 and that was what many consider to be the "fluke" of 1994.  And i won't bring up how they are going to the playoffs with Lundqvist in goal which means the best goalie they have will be on the bench as they make their run.  i won't bring up ANY of that because i'm a classy guy and i wish them luck on their quest for the cup.  So good luck jerks!  i guess we'll see if i end up having two words for ya...
- Did you know you can follow me on Instagram at @VHSBreakdown?  You didn't??? What the hell is your gddamn problem?  i'd follow you if you followed me!  Or maybe i wouldn't, it depends what kind of garbage you normally put on your page.  And i definitely don't respect those women who aren't brave enough to tag their boyfriends in their pictures!  But yeah you should follow me because i'm money and it makes me feel good when you do.
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE- You know who i never felt bad for?  The Doozers in Fraggle Rock. What the F were they figuring? You're making an entire city out of delicious sugar sticks?  No wonder the Fraggles would destroy your entire infrastructure everytime you were building something! Although now i'm wondering that maybe that was the Doozers' plan all along.  "Enjoy the sugar now you ahole Fraggles, i hope you get diabetes!  It'll be a lot harder to chase us once you lose your foot from eating our town you Muppet Show rejects!" Well played Doozers.
Fast Food Tips -  Speaking of diabetes, Burger King has just reintroduced their "Chicken Fries" and the commercials made them look so good i had to go out and try them!  And when i did i realized they should have been called Chicken DRIES because that's what they really are, they are dried up pieces of fried chicken turds that were less moist then an uptight 80 year olds virgin vagina.  And if that example was unappealing to you it's still sounds more tasty then the thought of eating any more of those stupid chicken fries.  So don't do what i did and get them, do what i didn't do and don't get them.  You're welcome.
And that's it for me today kids!  With all of the craziness and seriousness going on in the world right now i figured i'd take it down a notch and just put everyone in a good mood for once, so hopefully some of today's ha ha's were able to do that.  But i hope you all have a better weekend then me, i hope you all avoid BK's chicken fries if at all humanly possible and i hope you all join me next week for an all new blog!

Cya Friday!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Friday, April 3, 2015

There is only one way to avoid criticism: Do nothing. Say nothing. And be nothing. - Aristotle


What is up kids?

i'll tell you what's up, good Friday?  More like GREAT Friday!!!  
And i say it's a good Friday despite the fact that we still have states who are trying to pass anti gay laws, and where we have pizza places that don't want to serve sausage slices down homosexuals throats.  And i say this despite the fact that women still make less then men for doing the same work, and these are the same disgusting older white men who want to be in control of a woman's reproductive rights as well.  Plus corporations are greedy soulless monsters and welfare inequality is becoming the biggest moral issue of our time.  And besides all that, we've got no jobs, we've got no food.  Our pets HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!
But none of this is bothering me right now, because i'm off today for my first 3 day weekend in FOREVER. And after welcoming a beautiful new member to my love's family i now get to spend the weekend with the jose's, and there is nothing i enjoy more then spending time with my family in Cape Cod.  And the best news of all of that is that i also get to hang out with my Godson Kieran, the cutest Irish/Mexican/Dominican boy on the planet!
So i hope everyone can put all of their troubles behind them and enjoy this amazing weekend because it's a beautiful day to be alive.  It finally feels like Spring, the Easter bunny is getting ready to hide all of our eggs, and i'm going to eat yummy Cape Cod seafood and drink delicious Cape Cod alcohol until i'm throwing up happiness into my toilet while i drop eggs of laughter and seafood poop into the beautiful Cape Cod Bay.  So enjoy the weekend everyone because by that fantastic description you sure know that i will!


So if you didn't see the Justin Bieber roast then you are BLOWING it, because not only was it the most overly hyped Roast of all time it also was probably the funniest. Everyone absolutely MURDERED it and it was nice to see that obnoxiously rich little feminine wigger get his ass handed to him.
And while i don't want to ruin any of the jokes for those of you who weren't smart enough to watch it yet, there is ONE joke that was told that was so incredibly offensive i just have to write it out here on my blog.  It came from Jeff Ross who is basically the King of Roasts, but holy f'n $hitballs if there was anyone who ever crossed the line even for a Roast it was him on this Bieber one.  And the crazy part was that it wasn't even against Justin!  It was a joke on 21 year old SNL cast member, Pete Davidson who also totally killed it at the Roast.  Pete's dad died while he was in one of the World Trade Center buildings on 9/11, which sounds funny enough but is NOTHING compared to Jeff Ross' joke to Snoop Dogg when he said, "Snoops lungs have inhaled more smoke then Pete Davidson's dad in the tower on 9/11."

 And while i'll admit that even i was absolutely SHOCKED at that joke, i also have to admit that i appreciate it.  Because even though i consider myself a ruthless basterd, it's nice to know that i do have a line that can be crossed.  So maybe i'm not a heartless soulless creep who is going to burn in hell when it's all said and done!  Unless i wasn't supposed to laugh at that joke, because if laughing at that means i'm going to hell then i'll see the rest of you there as well for laughing at that joke along with me on my blog!  LATER DICKS!
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - Why do people only drink eggnog during the holidays?  I love egg nog, i think its yummy as hell.  But other then Christmas and Easter i never let myself enjoy a glass.  Which is bull$hit because it's delicious, why do i wait for it once a year?  Same thing as deviled eggs, i love deviled eggs but besides Easter i pretty much never eat them except on the rare occasion somebody really awesome makes them.   It's just odd to me, two fantastic egg treats and i only enjoy them semi-annually.  And also, if Easter is the biggest holiday in Christianity why are people allowed to eat "Deviled" eggs?  i don't get things.

"MOMbook posters"- So i've been thinking about it during my break, and i've realized i may be too hard on some of these new moms on this blog.  i mean they are giving the gift of life for crying out loud!!  It's the most amazing special thing on the planet!!!  i mean yeah every woman can do it, and sure every animal on the planet can do it as well.  Including rats!  But whatever, humans are special.  How can we not be?? We are the only species to create computers, and Iphones, and airplanes and even poetry!  And i mean yeah we also created racism, bigotry and genocide.  But have you seen an Iphone? You can do everything on it!!

i'm losing my train of thought here, but my point is i do agree parents are special people. That is why from this point forward, anyone who posts about their kid's birthday on Facebook (and let's face it, if you are a parent on Facebook everybody knows when your newborn is another month older because you HAVE to tell us) will get a present from me.  But it's not going to be some stupid clothing or dumb ass kid toys, i want to get these kids ready for real life!  Which is why from now on i will give these kids...
Science Bitch!

A Great Name for a Punk Band!  "Worse for Wear"

And that's pretty good but Sarah Silverman is apparently a HUGEMONGOUS fan of my bit and decided to join in on the fun!
A Great Name for a Punk Band! 
So it's nice to know i'm not the only guy who wants to get naked and have people play with my accordion, although to see it on one of The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  i've finally realized the one thing i'm missing is a hot 70's porno mustache.  And yes i admit that none of this probably makes any sense to you all right now, so let me clear it up by showing you  Quim Barreiros Masterpiece, Reebi un convite la casa da joquina!
And that's it for me today kids! i'm about to hit the road, but i hope you all have a great weekend, enjoy the rising of zombie Jesus on Sunday and congrats to my one day sister and brother in law who truly showed us what it means when a star is born :)

But have a great weekend and i'll see you kids on Friday with an all new blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter